I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,43

want to feel like I was there.”

Robbie laughed. He sounded like a kid there, like a young genius, eager to be challenged for once.

Good.

Maybe my parents got one thing right after all.

As long as Robbie was okay, I’d be okay.

I listened to him for the next hour, hearing about his roommate, his classes, his teachers. They were talking about testing him for college courses already, and I wasn’t surprised. My brother was damn brilliant.

He’s going to be fine there. He’s more worried about you. I ignored Willow again, but I could feel her smile as she added, Don’t give him reason, sis. He’ll blossom there.

As he should. Finally.

Toward the end of the call, he said, “Keep calling, Mac.”

He used her nickname too. My cheeks were starting to hurt from the smiling and the beaming and the whole trying-not-to-cry thing. Damn. That was work.

My throat was hoarse because of all the happiness. “I will.”

“You tell me how you are next time. Deal?”

“Deal.” I stuffed it down. He didn’t need to hear me being emotional. “When?”

“Um . . .” He was quiet a second. “Maybe Thursday? I talked to Mom and Dad. I’m going to stay here this weekend.”

“What?” I went rigid.

“There are a lot of others who stay, and they have weekend programs.” He sounded so sorry.

He’ll come home when he wants to. Trust the little Einstein. He knows what he’s doing. Don’t make him take on your shit. He’s eleven, not seventy.

I ignored her again, but Willow had a point.

“That sounds awesome. Maybe I should try to get in,” I teased. “Think they have a placement for older students? You could be my mentor.”

Robbie started giggling. Once he started, he couldn’t stop. “That’s silly, Mac.”

There. There was my little brother.

“Okay.” I felt like I could hang up. He was okay. “I’ll call on Thursday.”

“No. Let me call you. Some of us are going to create a video game, so I’ll call you when I get finished.”

My little brother: future creator, inventor, and computer hacker. I was so proud.

“Love you,” I told him.

He said the same, and after ending the call, I sat for a minute.

I had to get up. Someone would come looking for me, probably Ryan. The guy was taking me on as if he were my mentor instead of Robbie. He didn’t need to. I wasn’t like him. He had slipped away, and Peach feared she’d lose him again.

It made sense, but I wasn’t going to do that.

Right?

Or maybe I should pull away? Try giving him space, make him seek me out. Then it wouldn’t be me affecting him. It’d be him, his decision. I could do that, except . . . I couldn’t. Even thinking about it had a hard weight slamming into my chest.

I wouldn’t be able to do it.

Somehow, some way, Ryan had become necessary to me. He shielded me, protected me. My head was above water with him. Without him, I would sink.

I would drown alone.

I heard the door opening and wasn’t surprised when he sat next to me. His arm brushed against mine.

“You sleeping here tonight?” he asked.

Did I have any other choice?

Water pressed down on me. I felt the air slipping from my lungs. I almost felt myself thrashing, trying to get to the surface.

“I’ll hide in your closet till your mom goes to bed.”

His grin turned rakish, and mine matched.

He nodded. “Deal.”

Counseling Session Three

“You didn’t leave during our last session. I think you’re making great strides, and thank you again for coming back. I know you’ve been missing the other appointments, but I feel I need to remind you that the school and your parents both agreed these sessions are a necessity for you. It’s been a few months since your sister died. I was hoping today you could talk to me about her?”

A heavy silence. “No.”

She sighed. “I don’t know your sister. I can’t comprehend what it’s like to lose a twin or to be the one who finds her. Please, Mackenzie. I really would like to know more about your sister. Tell me about her.”

Another heavy silence. “Her name was Willow, and she left me.”

Chapter Eighteen

One month later

We were at a dance.

Black, silver, and pink balloons hung from the walls and pooled all over the floor. There was a pink banner at the back of the gymnasium—we were at our old school.

A sad song was playing, and our friends were dancing, their arms wrapped around each other. It was Homecoming.

Willow stood on the stage, her Junior Queen crown on