I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,42

opening the door. “We’re good, right? I can tell him we’re good? He won’t kick my ass then.”

“He said that?”

“His exact words were, ‘Get up there, apologize, and mean it, asswipe, or I’ll kick your ass.’”

That made me smile.

Chapter Seventeen

Ryan glanced my way when I returned with Kirk, a question in his eyes as to whether I was okay. I nodded and moved to sit in a chair behind the table. I was the new girl to this group. I’d fought for my place twice—and I would continue if needed—but as I observed everyone, I saw there was no more resistance. The only one unhappy with me was Erin, but everyone ignored her, including her friends. They seemed more eager to flirt with the guys, Kirk most of all.

When the food was heated, everyone got up and filled a plate before returning to the table. Someone pulled out drinks and passed them.

Ryan made sure everyone had food before grabbing his own plate.

He headed for the empty chair by Kirk, but before he could sit, the guys all moved down a spot, emptying the chair to my left. So Ryan took that one. Cora sat to my right, and no one paused their conversation as all of this happened.

I got it then.

All the resistance against me from the girls, from Peach, from Kirk—it was because they depended on Ryan. No one started eating until Ryan sat. And no one said a word about it. It was an unspoken rule. Once he touched his fork, so did everyone else.

Whether he knew it or not, Ryan was the core of this group. He was the glue.

A different emotion filled me. Warmth. It combatted that cold and almost-dead sensation, making me feel something I wasn’t sure I wanted to feel.

“You okay?” Ryan asked quietly.

I nodded. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

I felt proud of him, but I didn’t know why. He wasn’t my boyfriend. Yet, I’d laid claim to him somehow, and he’d reciprocated. I knew he’d had a choice, but in some ways, he hadn’t—I’d crawled into his bed that night and woven a spell over him, never letting him go. The sane part of my mind knew that wasn’t the case. He would’ve kicked me out, rejected me if he didn’t want anything to do with me, and he hadn’t.

I’d thought he was a nice guy who fell for the damsel in distress. He’d wanted to save me, but that wasn’t the case.

He did what he wanted. He was turned off for a year. He smoked pot. He drank. He stopped caring about sports. He rebelled from his life and what was expected of him—in that way, we weren’t the same.

No one had expectations of me.

Robbie does, I heard Willow remind me.

I sucked in some air, feeling moisture pooling at my eyes. Robbie. I hadn’t texted him all day.

He’s fine—stupidly happy at that school, but he’s worried about you. Send him a text. Let him know you’re fine, and then call him later.

I almost rolled my eyes, like I was going to take advice from a voice in my head. But I stood from the table. “I’m going to call Robbie.”

Ryan nodded. “Okay.”

I didn’t go far, just sat on the front step and pulled my phone from my pocket.

Texting Robbie, I waited for a response. There was none. I didn’t know his room number, so I called the school’s main number.

“This is Haerimitch Academy. How may we help you?”

It didn’t take long to be transferred to Robbie’s room, and a second later, I heard his voice.

“Hello?”

“I’m a horrible sister.”

He laughed. I could hear him brightening up. “Hey, terrible sister. I’m your terrible brother here.”

I snorted. “Why are you terrible? I’m the one who didn’t call to check in last night.”

“I’m terrible because I didn’t call to check in with you today.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“But I didn’t think about it.”

“Let’s cancel each other out so neither of us is terrible.”

He sounded happy, and I relaxed a little. Maybe the voice in my head was all-knowing somehow?

He’s happy to be away from the memories. Willow was sitting next to me.

Yeah, maybe. I spoke to her, but it wasn’t aloud. I kept that last safeguard from slipping further toward my insane side. I wasn’t talking to her as if she were a real person. She was a voice in my head.

Willow laughed. You’re such a dope. I’m not made up. You’re too chickenshit to admit it.

I ignored that, clearing my throat into the phone. “Tell me everything. I