I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,202

make sense of it. All of it. I was focusing on not losing my shit on him, which I clearly didn’t do a great job of. However, I can’t recall whatever he says he saw.

“I didn’t look at you like anything.”

He sighs and glances at the ceiling. “You looked at me like you had to take care of me. I know right now my body is a mess, but I’ll work through it. Usually, when you look at me, it’s like you become bright and hopeful.” He pauses. “When you were in here before, it was gone. Instead, I was a problem for you to solve. I watched your eyes go from days in the sun to doctor visits and hospitals. I know your sister was your life, but it was the same way you looked at her.”

He couldn’t be more wrong. That was not it at all. The fact that he feels that way sends a wave of fresh hurt through me. Why are men so stupid?

“First of all,” I sit on the bed and rest my hand on his chest. “She was my responsibility. I was her parent for all intents and purposes, not to mention she was practically still a kid when she was diagnosed. I had to be the adult. It’s not anything like that here. You’re a grown ass man with a family that loves and supports you. I was her everything, Eli. There was no family or support system, I was it for her. So, yes, my entire life revolved around fixing or making things better for her. But us . . .” I sigh “It isn’t that way. I want to be your partner. I want you to lean on me and then hold me up when I’m falling. That’s not pity, that’s love. Don’t ever make this a parallel to Steph, because it’s not.”

He lifts his hand, touches my lips and releases a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Heather. I never wanted to hurt you like that.”

I believe him. Eli and I both have a lot of shit in our pasts that will be our demise if we don’t work through it.

“I don’t think you meant to hurt me, but it did, which is why I needed to walk away before I said something I’d regret.”

“I thought you left,” he admits with dejection laced in his voice. “I didn’t think you were coming back and that I lost you because of this . . .”

I shake my head, partially in disbelief and partially in frustration. After all that we’ve endured, I don’t know how he thinks I would be the girl to leave him because he’s sick. There is no choice for me when it comes to him. The day Eli Walsh showed up at my door, he became a part of my world. I fought it, and failed. He’s the other half of me, and there’s no way that I could ever walk away from him.

Which brings me to my next part of this discussion. He has to see the distinctions in how we are from our pasts.

“I’m glad you bring that up.” I lean back so we’re not touching. I tend to think more clearly when we have a little distance. “I am not my ex-husband or your ex-girlfriend. I get that you have issues, and I do, too, but it’s completely unfair to expect me to behave like them. Not only did you compare me to Penelope but also you made me Matt in the same breath. I hate her for what she did to you, and if you don’t see the differences, then we should end things now.”

People like her and Matt don’t deserve a love like ours. Eli has given me more joy in our time together than anyone was able to give me in years.

Our relationship will be tested, but he has to know I’m not going anywhere. He’s assured me of that more times than I can count. Not only in his words but also in what he’s shown me. Now, I need to give him the same assurances.

Eli stays silent for a few seconds, and regret rolls off him. “Jesus, I’m just fucking up left and right. I know you’re not her or him. I was pissed off at myself, and I needed to give you the reason to walk away.”

“Is that what you want?” I ask.

His fingers wrap around my wrist and he tightens his grip. “No.”

“I’m glad, because I have no intention