I Have Lived and I Have Loved - Willow Winters Page 0,200

and it’s only been a few weeks since I lost her. I didn’t need him to draw the comparison—I already had, and I was coming to terms with how different this is. He has no idea how much he hurt me. Not just because of the comment, either. I’ve shared everything with him. There’s nothing I keep from him, and yet, he keeps vital things from me.

Anger sears my veins, and I fight the urge to go back in there and rip into him. Explain how things in an adult relationship are supposed to work, but I don’t move.

“You okay?” Shera, the nurse assigned to Eli’s room, asks.

I rub my eyes, hoping I don’t look like a crazy person before righting myself. “Yeah, sorry. I just . . . I need a few minutes.”

She rubs my arm. “Okay, honey. We’ll keep an eye on him. Don’t you worry. He’s going to be okay, you’ll see, the IV will help, and he’ll be good as new.”

Yeah, but what will we be? How do we move on from here when he’s pushing me away? I don’t voice that to her, I attempt a smile and nod. “Thanks.”

My head falls back against the wall, and I close my eyes, trying to think through everything that happened. He had to know what he said would break my heart. Mentioning Stephanie like that was a low blow that I felt in the depths of my soul. She was my entire world, and I never pitied her, I did whatever I could to lift her up. How dare he wound me so deeply?

But Eli’s never been callous, he’s always been . . . perfect.

Perfection is an illusion we create to convince the soul to trust. Now that the curtain has fallen, I see how stupid I was. The thing is, I don’t need perfect. I need real because Matt was perfect until shit hit the fan. Then he was gone. But this hurts so much more than that did.

I need air. I need to think and get control, because if I go back in there, I’m going to lose my shit.

I make my way toward the front of the hospital while my mind runs in circles. Tears roll down my cheeks as the warm air hits my face. I inhale, hoping to get some clarity, but I find something much worse.

“Ms. Covey!” My name is being called by a crowd of people all rushing toward me. Flashes of lights go off so fast I can’t see anything around me. Over and over they blind me and create a circle so I can’t move. They scream my name and bark out questions while I try to find a way out of their enclosure. “Is Eli okay? What happened? Is it true he collapsed? Ms. Covey, over here!” There is no time to answer even if I wanted to. “Are you still together? Are you crying? Can you tell us if there were drugs involved?”

My heart pounds too hard in my chest as I push through them without saying a word. I get back in the safety of the waiting room and release a heavy breath. One more thing to deal with today. God only knows what those photos will look like.

My phone pings, and I pull it from my pocket.

Nicole: Hey, don’t want to bother you, just checking in. Are things okay there?

Me: No, things are definitely not okay. He’s fine, but relationship wise . . . not so much.

Nicole: I’m sorry. Need me to kick his ass?

Me: I think I got this. We’ll figure it out or we can both kick his ass.

Nicole: Regulators . . . Mount up!

I burst out laughing as I hear her doing her best Warren G impersonation. Nothing like Nicole to bring some humor in when I feel like I’m drowning.

I dial her number, and she answers on the first ring. “You’re so not okay if you’re calling me.”

“I need you to remind me that I can handle this.”

Nicole goes quiet and then clears her throat. “I don’t know what happened to make you question yourself.”

I tell her about what happened tonight. Nicole listens and allows me to spill my heart. I’m so hurt and angry. I’m also disappointed because I thought we were great. I didn’t know he’d been lying to me and hoping I wouldn’t find out. I’m angry because he hid his symptoms from me, which led to me finding him collapsed in his bedroom.

“I can’t even get