nuclear secrets to China as well as child endangerment and kidnapping, which would be accomplished by burying alive her son Vaughn in a 6' x 6' pit in the back of her house. “Git-r-Done!” Rupert said, imitating his favorite comedian.
At 9:02 Assistant #2 (me) received a call that Andy Richter was downstairs and very upset, arguing with a security guard. It seemed that someone had thrown a bunch of lox all over the seat of his opened convertible. Everyone laughed and Tina opened the window and yelled down to Andy: “Hey Richter, did you see the overnights for your show?” She then started throwing all the food out the window onto Andy’s car. Andy started to half laugh. Then Rupert told the driver of his blimp to position it over Andy’s car. As it did, the bottom hatch opened up and Rupert’s bare ass was soon poking out. As Rupert started relieving himself (and you could hear the grunting over the speakerphone) he said, “Thank you.” And left.
The following shows were discussed and are now being produced for FOX’s Reality Channel:
America’s Least Favorite Horse!
Infant Swap!
Two infants from two different families are swapped for the first five years of life.
Line Wait!
I Can Make It Cheaper!
Contractors bid on public housing contracts.
So, You Think You Can Projectile Vomit!
Now That’s What I Call A.I.D.S.!
America’s Next Top Bottom (for the Logo Channel)
What Time Is It?
Judge Baby
A three-year-old makes decisions in small claims court based on its dysentery.
Are You Smarter than an Elderly Retarded Chicken?
Delighted contestants from Oklahoma play tic-tac-toe with an elderly retarded chicken and sometimes win.
Last Blogger Standing
You Asked for It!
Lawyers from one of America’s top law firms are covered in caramel and honey and airdropped into the Amazon rainforest.
Making the Cut A reality show about models.
What the Hell?!
Ben Stiller stars as the unfortunately but comically named Lenny Shittingsly, the neurotic but likable put-upon schnook who gets stuck with the unfortunate task of transporting his wife’s dog, who can’t stop farting, to the MTV Movie Awards (played by Will Smith), in this adaptation of the popular comic book character.
Who Wants to Marry My Midget?
It follows Exploiting Gullible Teens and How Low Will We Go? on Tuesday nights.
I Ain’t No This or That
IT’S BEEN NOTED BY LITERALLY HUNDREDS IF NOT THOUSANDS OF folks that I am contemptuous and patronizing. I think part of the reason for that is because I am an Athiest, and inherent in that belief system is “I think that I am right and therefore, since you believe the opposite, that you are wrong.” And inherent in that idea, hidden underneath layers of generational bebrudging but still civil respect, is the idea that people who have the benefit of freedom of choice, and still believe in their respective religion, are foolish. Or rather, it is a foolish thing to believe in, given the holes in logic and scientific refutation and plain, old honest facts and practical theories that go a long way toward postulating how the Red Sea could have been parted or how one day’s worth of oil could have been miscalculated and actually could reasonably last for eight days without God’s hand or how Mohammed would not have frozen his nuts off while ascending to heaven on his magical winged horse etc. etc.
Okay, fine: I’m contemptuous and patronizing. But I’m not simply some knee-jerk lefty with a soft-spot for a more equitable distribution of wealth and state-sponsored health care. (Not exactly correct except for the state-sponsored health-care part. Just simply as a practical matter of fiscal responsibility. I don’t want no A.I.D.S. babies bringing me down!) For instance, I am not opposed to the death penalty for certain crimes. In fact, not only am I not opposed to it, but I heartily condone it for certain specific situations. I have heard many compelling arguments against it, but I have not been swayed. I’m talking strictly about the idea of state-sponsored death as a moral issue. Hey, look, I don’t want the governor of Mississippi * deciding on the fate of my life during an election year any more than you would, but I think if you fuck a child to death, you should die. Done deal. No debates about your shitty upbringing or drug-induced devil state, please, I’m late for dinner.
The guilty don’t have to die in any horrific way. It can be peaceful. This isn’t about something as intangible, and ultimately unsatisfying, as “revenge.” Just… that’s it. You take a life, you give up your right to live. Why