once spent an entire month seeing who could take the most hideous sleeping pictures of the others.
I stroked Vivi’s cheek and felt a pang of longing for her, and for Grey, for the years we’d been inseparable. Not yet split apart by countries and time zones and careers and lives.
I pressed my fingertips lightly to her throat, right at the point where her heartbeat sprang beneath her skin. It was how we’d slept as children, our finger resting on one another’s pulse points, a cross-hatched thicket of wrists and necks and hands. For a long time, years, I couldn’t sleep deeply unless I felt the heartbeat of both my sisters thrumming beneath my fingers. But they had grown up and left home, and I’d realized there were scarier things in the world than the monsters that lived in my nightmares.
Grey, I thought in silent prayer, knowing somehow that, wherever she was, she’d hear me. I hope you’re okay.
* * *
I woke before dawn, as I always did, and messaged my mother, and checked my Find Friends app, and ran through Hampstead Heath, cursing the Romans for settling in such a damp, miserable place. It was raining again, because it was London. The weirdness of yesterday felt washed away, but I still stuck to the busier paths and avoided the wooded area where I’d seen the man yesterday. I ran until it hurt to breathe and my body begged me to stop, and then I ran some more. I held my phone in my palm the whole time, willing it to vibrate with a message from Grey, but every time I looked, there were no new notifications.
When I got home, Cate was cooking breakfast in her scrubs. Vivi was sitting on the kitchen island again, her long tattooed legs dangling as she plopped cherry tomatoes into her mouth.
“Look who I found,” Cate said when she saw me.
“The prodigal daughter returns,” Vivi said, opening her arms wide and staring off into the distance like a Renaissance painting of Jesus.
“You know the definition of prodigal is ‘wastefully extravagant’?” I said as I went to the fridge in search of milk.
Vivi put her arms down. “I thought it meant ‘favorite,’ and I’m going to stick with that. Pour me one too,” she said as I set out a glass.
“Please,” Cate said out of habit.
“Please,” Vivi said. I handed her a glass of milk and sat at the breakfast bar while Cate scrambled some eggs.
Vivi had an easier relationship with our mother than Grey did. Cate had always been overprotective—how could she be expected to be any other way, after what she’d been through?—which Grey had taken as a personal threat to her freedom. Vivi, on the other hand, was never bothered by our mother’s rules, because she never followed them. If Vivi was busted, which wasn’t often because she was so good at sneaking around, she would apologize with handwritten cards and breakfast in bed.
They were very different women who had lived very different lives and were interested in very different things, but somehow—despite each considering the other an anomaly—they usually managed to find some middle ground. They spoke on the phone at least once a month. They teased each other constantly: Cate sent Vivi links to tattoo removal clinics, Vivi sent Cate links to pictures of body modders with split tongues and their teeth filed to points, captioned Do you think this would suit me? When Vivi sent recordings of her new music, Cate responded with comments like I think you sent the wrong track? This is a recording of cats being murdered. They were silly with each other. Sweet with each other.
“Have you heard from Grey?” I asked Vivi.
Vivi shook her head. “Cate doesn’t seem to think we should worry.”
“Grey can look after herself,” Cate said. The way she said it without even looking up from what she was doing made me purse my lips.
My thoughts went to the night Grey left home. They had been at odds with each other for months, Cate and Grey, squabbling over curfews and boyfriends and parties and alcohol. Grey was pushing the boundaries, seeing what she could get away with. One night, she stumbled home rotten drunk and vomited on the kitchen floor.
Cate was furious and grounded her on the spot. Grey was a seventeen-year-old girl, filled with the rage and power of a thunderstorm curling beneath her skin. When she snapped, she put her hands around our mother’s throat, forced her against the