And like with everything else in my life, I jumped into that relationship with both feet and didn’t look back. I allowed myself to be swept away by Rodney and his charm. He promised me the world, and I believed him.
Within three months of dating, I had introduced him to my family. At the dinner table while my mom fussed and gushed over him, he announced that he wanted a big family. At least four kids, and he wanted to start trying soon. In his excitement, my father asked when the wedding date was, and Rodney declared he was going to propose soon. That he even had the ring picked out.
I was overwhelmed. I didn’t expect everything to move so quickly. I was twenty-one. A fresh college graduate with a new job. I was sure I wanted to see the world first before settling into marriage and kids.
But I was in love with him. I was sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Why would I stop now? Why not take the plunge?
I pushed back all the doubts and questions I had about our relationship and agreed that we should set a wedding date soon. But every time we kissed and got intimate, I felt a wall fly up between us.
I was a virgin, I still am…and for some reason, I didn’t feel ready to sleep with Rodney. The man I thought I was prepared to marry.
Two more months went by and the ring never turned up. Rodney hadn’t proposed yet. Now, whenever we went out for dinner and then went back to his place, he sat at the opposite end of the couch. He had stopped pulling me into his arms or trying to kiss me. It was like he wasn’t even interested in trying anymore. He knew I was going to push him away when he tried to unhook my bra.
That was when I started blaming myself.
I was angry and frustrated. Why couldn’t I just be a good girlfriend? Why couldn’t I just give myself to him fully?
The excuses I had given Rodney were that I wanted to wait for the right moment. Maybe until we were married. I wanted our first time to be special.
But those were not the real reasons anymore.
I had never felt that connection with him, which I expected to feel with the man who would take my virginity. I was a twenty-one-year-old virgin and now the pressure was on to get it right. Even though I had decided I was going to marry him, I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that I would give my virginity to him. That he was going to be the only man I would ever be with.
And Rodney eventually stopped trying.
I could feel the distance growing between us and I started to panic.
My family was already making plans for the wedding. Guest lists were being drawn up. My parents couldn’t stop talking about how amazing Rodney was and how lucky I was to have him. They welcomed him into the family, and he hadn’t even officially proposed yet.
Maybe a part of me just wanted him to do it for the sake of my family’s happiness. I wasn’t thinking about myself anymore.
Then one night, he said he was going to cook for me.
I had a good feeling about it. I was sure it was going to be the night. I dressed up for it. Makeup. Hair. The whole shebang.
When I ended up at his apartment, I saw that he’d arranged for a candlelight dinner. Soft music played in the background. He handed me a glass of wine. There were cheese and crackers for appetizers.
We sat down on his couch together, and I was expecting him to get down on one knee at any moment. Or had he put the ring in the dessert?
I was excited just because I was waiting for this moment. I wanted to tell Gigi. I wanted to tell my parents. I wanted to see the ring he had picked out for me. Now when I look back at it, I feel so stupid. How could I have been so stupid? I wanted that ring on my finger for all the wrong reasons.
Rodney never got down on one knee. Instead, he settled down beside me on the couch and said he had something big to tell me.
He looked me straight in the eye, holding his wine glass up like he wanted to hide his mouth as he spoke.