that have brought you joy. Why? Why are you on a mission of self-sabotage?”
“I’m going to get myself another drink.”
I stand up. Jay doesn’t seem happy. He’s shaking his head like he’s disappointed.
“I want to help you.”
“Why the fuck does everyone want to help me? I can help myself just fuckin’ fine!” This time I’m shouting. Before I even finish the sentence, I can see her from the corner of my eye.
Ella is standing at the sliding doors. Jay looks in her direction as well. She gulps, and her nostrils flare.
“Missy let me in,” she says, holding her chin up.
Seeing her again makes my gut flip. I was doing fine, or so I thought, until she appeared in front of me again.
“I need to get back to the office,” Jay says, standing up. “Good chat.”
He walks past me and then past Ella and disappears into the house.
“I thought we should talk,” she says.
I don’t know what to tell her, but I nod anyway. It’s the least I owe her. A conversation.
We go into the house, and Ella follows me to the study. On the way, I put a shirt on. I’ve noticed she’s doing her best to keep her eyes averted from my naked torso. Maybe she doesn’t want to give me the impression that she’s ogling.
I’m trying very hard not to ogle at her. I know exactly what she looks like underneath her clothes, and she looks beautiful today.
She’s wearing a black and white striped dress that clings to her body and reaches down to her ankles. There’s a slit on the side that reveals a part of her leg with every step she takes. She has a denim jacket on top and has left her hair down around her shoulders.
I want to take each piece of clothing off her body. Take my time with it. Make her quake and shudder as I go through the process of revealing her luscious body to me once more.
Ella shuts the door behind her as I walk over to the sitting area. I have a minibar by the library, and I’ve already started making myself another drink. The buzz from the previous one was starting to fade, and I didn’t like the feeling of being sober again.
“Drink?” I ask.
“No,” she says quickly. Just as I expected.
When I turn to face her, holding my glass of Scotch up to my lips, Ella is holding her hands clasped together to her front. I can see she has something to say. She wants to discuss something, and I’m pretty sure I know what it is.
If there is one thing this weekend at Bridgeville has taught me, it is how much better I am at living life alone. Around Sally and Matthew and Ella, I felt a rush of things I don’t want to feel again. They’ll just be in my way. In the way of my work.
I need to dive back into life. Travel. Keep myself busy, the way I’ve always been.
Ella opens her mouth to speak, but I cut her off.
“In retrospect, I believe it was a bad idea. Having you pretend to be my wife. Sharing a bedroom with you and getting you tangled up in my life. I take full responsibility for it.”
She closes her lips and stares at me questioningly. I feel like she wants me to continue.
“I apologize if you were expecting something else as the outcome of this weekend. I know that night we had together was a big night for you, and maybe I was not the right man to spend it with. I should have been more careful about what we were doing. It is all my fault.”
She still says nothing. Her cheeks are burning red, so I know my words are having some effect on her.
“If you want us to talk about what happened over the weekend, I’m willing to listen, but I’m not sure what more I can say on the subject. I had a great time with you. I am glad you came with me. I don’t think I could have pulled through the weekend without you there. But I don’t know where we could go from here.”
Even as I say the words, I feel a tightness in my muscles. I could ask her to stay. I could ask her to move in here with me. That way, I would wake up to her face every morning. Isn’t that what I want? Isn’t that what I’ve wanted since that night in London?