important to avoid shopping with my mother at all costs. If I run out of diapers, she’ll take me to Saks.”
“Doesn’t sound so bad to me,” Jonathan said. He wore a denim jacket with Albert Einstein’s gentle white face pinned to the lapel. A swarm of reddish-black tulips had sprouted on the lawn. A crazy meadowlark whose nest was nearby raged at us from the lowest branches of the oak. I lifted the stroller into the trunk, and Jonathan arranged the diaper bag around it.
“Guilt,” I said. “Even my guilt over my mother’s money feels decadent sometimes. It’s better to just avoid it. Not get myself into a position where she can buy me a five-hundred-dollar dress that makes me look like an astronaut’s wife. It’s better to just lay in supplies and stay home with her.”
I wondered if I was explaining too much. I didn’t want to sound like a criminal whose alibi is suspiciously perfect, her movements too intricately accounted for.
“Whatever you say,” he answered. There was no mistrust in his voice.
He closed the lid of the trunk. “I’ll miss you,” he said.
In another moment, Bobby would come out of the house with Rebecca. I reached over and took hold of Jonathan’s sleeve.
“Listen,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“What?”
“Oh, you know. I’m sorry I’m such a coward about my mother. Next time I’ll bring her up here. You’re right. She’s going to have to get used to it.”
“Well, parents are tough. Believe me, I know about that,” he said.
“I’m just really sorry,” I said. I could hear the possibility of tears in my own voice.
“Honey, what’s the matter?”
At that moment, I felt sure he knew. I shook my head. “Nothing,” I said.
He gave me a reassuring little squeeze. “Silly old Clare,” he said. “Good old crazy thing.” In fact, he didn’t know. He still hadn’t developed the habit of loss. He believed his life would get fatter and fatter. Maybe that was the fundamental flaw in his perception. Maybe that’s what prevented him from falling in love.
“Oh, quit with that ‘good old crazy thing’ shit, all right? I’m an adult. I’m not some playmate of yours.”
“Oops. Sorry.”
“Really, Jonathan, I just wish you’d—”
“What? You wish I’d what?”
“I don’t know. How long do you plan on being a boy? All your life?”
“As opposed to becoming a girl?” he said.
“As opposed to…oh, never mind. I’m being a bitch today. I could feel it the minute I woke up.”
“Listen, will you call me when you get there? So I know you’re okay?”
“Sure. Of course I will.”
We stood for a moment, looking around at the scenery as if we were new to it. As if we had just stepped out of our Winnebago to stretch our legs and marvel at this particular stretch of a national park.
“Aren’t things supposed to be simpler than this?” I asked.
“Bobby says it’s a new world. He says we can do anything we can imagine.”
“That’s because Bobby’s a deluded asshole. I mean that only in the most complimentary sense.”
I realized I was still holding on to the sleeve of Jonathan’s jacket. When I let go, the denim held the shape of my grip.
“I’m going to go see what’s keeping him,” I said. “If Rebecca and I don’t get moving soon, we’ll hit the New York traffic.”
“Okay.”
Jonathan waited by the car, hands deep in the pockets of his khakis, sun glinting on his pale hair. I turned to him when I reached the porch. He gave me an ironic, sisterly smile and I went into the house.
Bobby was coming down the stairs with Rebecca. “I just about gave up on you,” I said. “If we’re not past Manhattan by one o’clock—”
He put his fingers to his lips. “Erich’s sleeping,” he said. “He’s had a hard morning.”
I took Rebecca from him. She was having a bad morning, too. “I don’t want to,” she said.
“You got everything together?” Bobby whispered.
“Mm-hm. Car’s all packed. Say goodbye to Erich for me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want to,” Rebecca said.
Bobby stood on the bottom stair, his paunch slightly straining the fabric of his T-shirt. At that moment he looked so innocent and well-meaning. I could have slugged him for being such a sap; such a guileless optimistic character. I could see him old, shuffling along in bedroom