Hollow (Heaven Hill Generations #4) - Laramie Briscoe Page 0,45
Do you think you’re ready?”
But it does matter what she thinks. She’s the one who’s given me the tools to try and live my life the way it’s supposed to be lived. I’m no longer dwelling on the past and wondering about the what if’s. Instead, I’m enjoying the right now’s.
“I think so, but I’ve thought this before too. What if I get in a situation I can’t handle?”
“Then you do all the exercises we’ve discussed. Your deep breathing, writing things out, thinking things through before you speak, and if that still doesn’t help, then you call me. I’ll be here whenever you need me, Mandy. I don’t give up on my patients, and I don’t expect you to know all of the answers when I set you loose. We work through this together - sometimes for a year, sometimes for the rest of your life. This isn’t a one and done. I’m in this for as long as you are.”
Those words help me to feel better about where I’m going, and even where I’ve been, but I’m still fearful. “I just don’t want to hurt my family any more than they’ve already been hurt. I still need to talk to my brother, sister, and parents.”
“Would you like to have that conversation here? With me acting as mediator?”
While the thought has appeal, this is something I have to do on my own. “No, I think I need to face things head on. For so much of my life I’ve let others do the dirty work. This is my mistake and I need to own up to it. It won’t be easy, but none of this has been. They deserve it all raw and unfiltered from me.”
“Don’t do anything that’s going to set you back, Mandy. You give apologies where you think they’re due, but you don’t want to sacrifice yourself to make others happy.”
“Doesn’t that make me selfish? That’s what I’m trying not to do. I’ve been so selfish throughout this whole time.” I clasp my hands together and do my best not to crack my knuckles. It’s a sign that I’m fixing to check out. I don’t want to check out, I want to be present for it all. They deserve it, and so do I.
“Self-care isn’t selfish, Mandy. Everyone is not going to be perfect one hundred percent of the time, and in this day and age, we have to take care of ourselves. No one else will. Repeat after me. Making sure you’re mentally okay isn’t a flaw.”
“Making sure that I’m mentally okay isn’t a flaw,” I repeat what she’s said.
“I know it’s hard. As a woman you’re expected to make sure everyone is taken care of and everything runs smoothly, but you only have to do what you’re comfortable with. Don’t let others’ expectations push you into something you don’t want to do, whether they’re real or perceived. This will be the hardest obstacle to overcome.”
Already it’s giving me anxiety, but that’s what my breathing exercises and the medication they have me on is for. Instead of feeling overwhelmed like I would have months ago, it’s a low-level hum in the background. Obviously something for me to be cognizant of, but nothing for me to let overtake my life.
“You’re right.” I nod, already feeling stronger. “Thank you for all your help these past few months. I don’t know where I would be without you.”
“In a very dark place,” she reminds me. “But honestly, you’ve done all the work, Mandy. You should be proud of yourself.”
I can’t recall a time when I’ve ever been truly proud of myself, but right now I am. So many times I wanted to stop, to call Dalton or dad and tell them to come and get me, but I haven’t. I’ve done this not only for myself, but for my family too.
“I am.” I grin at her.
The alarm on her desk goes off, she stands, smiling down at me. “That’s the end of your session. It’s time for you to go pack up your room and wait for your husband. Remember, if you ever need another session with him, or anyone else, my door is always open, my phone is always on.”
Getting up, I walk over open my arms and give her the biggest hug I’ve probably given anyone in my life. “Thank you for all your help,” I whisper as she hugs me back. “I definitely feel l like an entirely different person than the one who walked in here.”