say anything, but I can’t utter a word.
“Where do you hurt?”
I can’t answer his question because it’s not like he could do a damn thing to fix it. Damon said I may be displacing my feelings and I think he might be right. I still love James. I love him and I think I love Zander too, but I don’t know how that’s possible.
“It’s okay, you can cry.” I know he’s looking down at me but I keep my eyes shut tight. “If you want me to stop—”
“Don’t stop.” I beg him with quickly ushered words. “Don’t stop. Please, Z, hold me.”
Zander
Scrolling through the photos on Ella’s various social media accounts leaves a longing to know who this beautiful woman used to be. She hasn’t posted regularly in nearly two years now but I scroll past flirtatious grins and obvious laughter, past a woman celebrating life and exuding strength with a no-fucks-given attitude. There are pictures of him as well. Her sneaking up on him and laying with him on sunny tropical beaches. Pictures of him kissing her and where she’s kissing him. There’s an obvious point where her public persona was tamed. Just prior to their wedding photos, she appears wild and free. And then it changes, to bright smiles and “love and light” captions.
There are wholesome posts about her charity work, but it doesn’t take much to be certain that prior to marrying James, Ella was known for her partying.
The fireplace in Ella’s sitting room is off, adding to the quiet. The blue of the paint is suffused with gray light from the early morning. She’s still sleeping upstairs, leaving me alone in the chill of this room.
I came here out of habit. I didn’t know what to do with myself when I woke up in her bed. I found a spare toothbrush in the bathroom, still wrapped in plastic among other travel-sized toiletries. She was sleeping so deeply when I finally let go of her that I couldn’t bear to wake her. I tugged her blanket up to her shoulders and quietly slipped out to the room that’s most familiar to me. We’ve spent the most time here, in the blue sitting room. And in its silence, I’ve let my mind wander, I’ve let the questions repeat themself over and over. Am I doing the right thing? Is this really what’s best for her?
I’m only her Dom, so there’s no reason for me to be here. Not technically. It’s storming outside and I watch the raindrops fall against the window. When the wind blows, it’s vicious, battering the small droplets against the panes. Unless we’re going to have a true 24/7 relationship, then I can’t be here all the time.
Even if a part of me wanted to be here, simply because she’s most comfortable here, a much larger part of me doesn’t want to develop this relationship anywhere other than my own home.
We’re going to have to talk about it, and soon. This is a crucial boundary between the two of us. When I’ll come over, and how long I’ll stay. I need to make clear to her that she was only agreeing to the relationship we had before, nothing else. I’ll help her as her Dom. Although I would never make this arrangement with anyone else who couldn’t leave the confines of their home. With the only other 24/7 power exchange relationship I’ve had, the only true D/s relationship, she lived with me. Quincy.
Quincy, who has been the subject of at least one phone call this morning. A phone call I let go to voicemail. The hearing’s coming up, and I don’t want to talk about it.
A larger sheet of rain sweeps across the yard and taps more forcefully against the windowpane. I’ve never lived in a place like this, with all this space.
All this wealth.
Across the house, the front door opens. I hear it click shut quietly. It’s far too early for Silas to switch off with Damon. The footsteps and the jingle of keys is telling. I stay where I am, my jaw clenching slightly. He can come to me.
Kamden appears in the sitting room doorway with my temper barely contained, the anger still palpable. The air between us seems thick. Weighted. He narrows his eyes and watches me from the opening, then straightens up and strides in, taking the seat across from me. He’s exaggerated about it. Casual. But it’s not casual, and we both know it. From the tight set of his