crib, this crazy feeling running a circuit through my body.
A connection like I’d only ever experienced once before in my life.
Knew firsthand how dangerous it was.
How that feeling could destroy.
The destruction that came when the bond was severed.
Warily, I peered down into the crib.
Everett was face down, his knees tucked up under him, his butt in the air, his little hands fisted in the sheets. Mouth moving like he was sucking something.
Affection and fear pulsed.
I couldn’t distinguish one from the other. Or maybe they were one in the same.
Intense.
Unrelenting.
Like a fist was driving itself right into the middle of my chest and tearing out my heart and giving it to this kid.
But that’s what this was, wasn’t it?
The sudden awareness that I’d give him my life.
Whatever bullshit his mother had gotten herself involved in? I was going to make sure it didn’t affect him.
That he would be safe.
Guilt stalked through my insides like a monster preying on the innocent. The selfishness of those nights. The way I’d been overcome with the desperation to do anything to erase the loneliness that had howled and begged.
Like fucking some other girl was going to erase the pain.
Blot out the loss of Frankie Leigh.
Fill up the vacancy.
Because of it . . . I’d done this.
I stared down at this child. Heart seizing in my chest, I sent up a thousand prayers that I hadn’t condemned him to the same life I’d endured.
That he would be spared.
That he hadn’t inherited this curse.
Consumed by it, I reached into his crib and picked him up, needing to feel his weight. The little motion-activated light Dad had set up to draw me from sleep in case he woke up in the middle of the night flickered to life in a dull haze.
Only thing it did was light up his cherub face.
These fucking chubby cheeks and double chin that I had the overpowering urge to kiss.
He barely stirred, just snuggled deeper into my hold.
I carried him back to my bed.
Lay on my back with him nestled on my chest.
His little heart thrumming its life beat against me.
I wrapped my arms around him.
Held him tight.
And for the first time in days, I actually slept.
“Okay, big man, this is going to be a little cold.” Dad pressed the stethoscope to Everett’s bare chest, kid without a shirt with all his adorable jelly rolls pudging out over the top of his diaper.
I cringed the second the metal hit his breastbone. Struggled to breathe. To slow my pulse that was beating mad.
Was pretty sure I was two seconds from passing right the fuck out.
Dad glanced at me in worry. “It’s okay, man. Just . . . take a seat. Relax.”
Relax.
That was not going to happen.
“I’m good,” I told him.
“Good, huh?”
YUP, I signed.
Dad studied me for a beat before he turned his full attention back to Everett and his eyes dropped closed.
Listening intently.
Everett was grinning, grabbing at the tubing, tugging hard and thinking it was some kind of fun game when he managed to yank out one of the earpieces from Dad’s ear.
“You are a little stink bug, aren’t you?” Dad teased, poking him in the belly.
Chubby legs kicked all over the place, his joy spilling out.
Dad reached over to grab a plastic toy from the desk that was some kind of bug that hung from a short string, its body made of rattles. He dangled the decoy in front of Everett’s face.
“How about this instead? Look how awesome it is . . . a little grasshopper . . . just like you.”
Those full lips of his puckered in a little ‘O’ and his eyes shined with glee.
Dad tapped it to his nose.
Everett threw his head back in a fit of laughter.
“Boink. Got you,” Dad said.
Everett grabbed it from him and held it up like a prize in his little fist. “For Ehvie! Ehvie, please.” Everett nodded this emphatic little nod that left me a puddle on the floor.
How the hell was the kid so damn cute?
“Yours? That’s mine.” Pure affection radiated from my father. His gentle care so clear as he distracted my son from the exam. Made him feel comfortable and safe.
Dad had practiced here at Gingham Lakes Children’s Center since he’d come into mine and Mom’s lives.
A room almost exactly like this one had brought us together.
Our paths crossing.
Colliding.
My dad was probably the best doctor in Gingham Lakes.
Caring.
Intuitive.
Didn’t think there was anyone else in the world I would trust with Everett.
Still, I felt sick.
Legitimately sick.
I hated these fucking rooms.
Hated them with