medical history, feeding schedule, or family dynamic better than I do.
When someone shames a well-intended parent for their choices (and, yes, this includes a mother-in-law rolling her eyes at the fact that her daughter-in-law runs her home in her own way), the shamer is declaring that they know everything there is to know about every possible life and parenting scenario. Shaming indulges an incredibly arrogant impulse. I think in some cases, the root of this arrogance is really insecurity.
Truth is, there isn’t one correct way to parent, so if someone’s way of parenting is different from yours, they aren’t doing it wrong . . . and neither are you. Different doesn’t equal wrong. You don’t have to agree with other people’s choices. No one is forcing you to. The only time we should spend any energy focusing on how someone else is choosing to parent (or live) is when we want to learn something from them. Otherwise, mind your own motherhood.
I’m going to be honest with you. I used to be the type of person who believed that every thought and opinion I have should come out of my mouth. I used to believe that giving voice to everything I felt made me an honest human, a blunt and bold and brave human. What I didn’t take into account back then was that before we can hear hard truths, we have to feel loved and safe and accepted. Without that security, we won’t get past our feelings of rejection or pain to consider the content of the (perhaps loving) criticism.
If my good friend Cat sits me down and tells me I might want to rethink how I’m handling one of my kids, I can listen to her and pay attention and not feel for one second like I’m being mom-shamed or bullied. But that’s only because I know her. I know the purity of her intention. I know that she is on my team. I know her heart and that it is as full of love for me as mine is for her. Trusting relationships take years and a lot of energy to build, and it’s worth investing that time and energy because you’ll end up with a friend whose truth you’re able to hear. Always. And that’s one of the many gifts a true friendship can give: with the right history, even the hardest feedback can land the right way.
It took years of being on the receiving end of criticism from people I didn’t feel safe with for me to figure this out, but it also took becoming a parent. So often we’re told to treat others the way we’d want to be treated. But most of us are so freaking mean to ourselves! Becoming a parent gave me an easy way into this perspective: I try to treat people the way I want people to treat my kids.
I really let it fly in one of my videos and indulged in a rant about what a complicated day I’d had with my kids. I was sure there was another mom out there who needed to hear that her kids aren’t the only ones who misbehave and that her family is normal. That evening, once my kids were tucked in bed and finally asleep, after checking on them seventeen times (because that’s normal, right?), I hopped online to peruse the comments my dear audience had left for me. One woman’s feedback stood out in particular. She wrote, “What is wrong with you and all these other mothers agreeing with you? My children are all grown now and I can tell you that they NEVER behaved in a disrespectful way or broke my rules because I raised them right!” I rolled my eyes and shrugged it off. By that point I had gotten used to at least one stranger each day lecturing me on how unless my children are perfect, I suck as a mom.
Later that same day, I received a private message from another woman, in which she explained that the judgmental woman who hadn’t been willing to get off her high horse and had to brag about her perfect children on my page was . . . this woman’s mother. And you’ll never guess what. This woman was a bit of a rebel when she was growing up. And she claimed her siblings weren’t perfect every second of