in the back of my mind that I was performing. I was fulfilling some sort of image and constantly being evaluated. I needed to be exactly what I was supposed to be and was very aware of how I looked and sounded. It was an ordeal getting ready for a date because everything had to be just right. Not that it was one-sided. I had the same expectations for the man I was with.
It all meant I could never really let my guard down and just be.
But when I was with Sawyer? It was completely different. He made it easy for me to let my hair down and show him who I really was. And there wasn’t a single second when I was evaluating or analyzing him. All that mattered was how he was making me feel and my need to give him that feeling in return.
Everything in me longed for the moment when I would have that again.
In the bunk above me, I heard Cecilia groan. I worried she might be having a nightmare. When she was just a little girl, she’d struggled with night terrors. I could still remember how frightening it was to wake up in the middle of the night to my little sister screaming down the hallway. I would go to the door of my own bedroom and look out, peeking around the doorframe to try to stay as invisible as I could.
No matter how many times it happened and how many times I saw my parents cradling her and comforting her until the episode passed, I was always afraid when it happened. There was the sense in the back of my mind that maybe this was the time it wasn’t going to be just a nightmare. Maybe this was the time something was actually happening.
In a way, that was what brought me to my feet each time it happened. Even though I was scared enough to just pull my blankets up over my head and pretend nothing was happening, I was too worried about my little sister to just block it all out.
Maybe that was one of the benefits of young siblings sharing a room. If I was there with her, I would know she was just dreaming. Maybe I would even be able to comfort her or make her feel safe enough that she wouldn’t have the terrors. I surprised myself with that thought. It seemed like I was suddenly looking at things in a different way. Something was shifting.
“Cecilia, are you okay?” I asked. “Are you having a nightmare?”
“You tell me,” she said. One of her hands shot down from over the side of the bunk so it hovered right in front of my face. “Look at my nails. They look horrible. I can’t believe how badly my manicure is messed up, and I can’t even do anything about it. And I wish I could just give my hair a proper wash. This ridiculous outdoor bathing thing is just pushing me to the edge, Jane. It’s pushing me to the edge.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, but I tried to muffle it a bit.
“We need to get on that this instant,” Rubin said, getting out of his bed and making his way across the bunkhouse. “You can’t offend the cows’ delicate nature by exposing them to chipped nail polish and grungy hair.”
My sister let out an indignant gasp as everyone else in the bunkhouse laughed. My father and Uncle Lucien made their way toward the door.
“This is amazing,” Dad said. “I don’t want it to end.”
“I can’t believe it took us so long to get back out here,” my uncle said.
“Me neither,” Dad said. “We should have come back to Montana ages ago. Can you imagine what it would have been like to be able to raise the kids out here?”
“Don’t even say something like that!” Cecilia said.
The men laughed.
“It definitely would have changed things,” my father said.
I listened to my sister continue to mutter to herself about her nails and thought that it probably wouldn’t have actually changed much. Cecilia was going to be Cecilia. That was just the way it was.
My father and uncle were already dressed and headed out to get the fire going so we could start breakfast. I got up and put on my own clothes, braiding my hair to get it away from my face for the ride.
“Aren’t you going to get up?” I asked as I put on makeup.
“Not until the very last minute,” Cecilia said.