Here the Whole Time - Vitor Martins Page 0,47

notices Caio at the table. He pauses for a second to watch us, and then goes back to staring at me with a confused expression.

“What the hell, Butterball! Is this your little boyfriend? You trying to tell me that you’re not only fat, but now you’re a fag, too?”

And then it all happens very quickly. Bruno bursts in a loud laugh and starts poking my back. Caio looks at me in desperation, and I can see his eyes filling with tears. Rebeca is pissed off and threatens to get up, but I do it first.

I don’t know if it’s the booze that makes me brave, or if it’s the desire to defend my friends. Maybe it’s just the fact that right now I have friends. All I know is that I get up, and for the first time, I’m facing these two without looking down. Without feeling small. In fact, I suddenly realize I’m a little taller than Jorge, and way taller than Bruno. And that makes me even braver.

At first, I don’t know how to stand up for myself. I’m not going to lie to them. Yeah, I’m gay. And, clearly, I’m fat. Denying either of these facts isn’t going to win me any arguments. So I don’t think I have much choice.

“Bruno, Jorge,” I say, looking the two of them in the eyes, my voice louder than I intended. “Go fuck yourselves.”

And the two of them go quiet. Not even a little laugh from Bruno. Jorge seems confused because, for the very first time, I did something. And I’m still standing, hoping they will go the hell away, because I have no plan B.

“Calm down, man, calm down. Can’t you take a little joke, Butterball?” Jorge says with a half smile on his face, as if I hadn’t taken a lifetime of jokes already.

At this point, Becky punches the table again, and it startles Bruno. I hold back my laughter, because I don’t want them to think everything is okay.

“Okay, then, man. We’re gonna go. But I’ll see you again at school,” Jorge says in a menacing tone, then turns and leaves. Bruno, like the good doormat he is, follows right behind.

I collapse on my chair, taking a deep breath and trying to understand everything that just happened. I wait out my anger, taking a sip of my beer (the last one, I swear), and when I look at Caio, he’s smiling at me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—” I start to say.

“You go to school with these dumbasses?” Becky interrupts.

I nod.

“Look, Fe,” she starts in a calmer voice. That makes me smile; no one has ever called me Fe. “I had to put up with those types at my school, too, and I thought it was going to get better in college. Spoiler alert—it doesn’t. The world is full of assholes and that’s never going to change.”

“Becky, always the optimist,” Caio says, giggling.

“But it’s the truth! Things will always be more complicated for those of us who don’t fit their petty standards. When was the last time you had it easy?”

I stop and think for a while before I answer. “When I was eight and it was cute to be chubby.”

“When I was eight, my aunts were already insisting I should go on a diet,” Becky says. “When you’re a girl, being fat is never cute. When you’re a girl, you must always be skinny.”

I swallow hard, because I’ve never considered that.

“Now picture this: I’m fat, a woman, and Black. Who has to walk down the street and hear all sorts of offensive comments. And then when I was about twelve, I realized I was into girls, and all the bad things I used to hear out on the streets I now had to hear at home, too. Things get even worse when folks stop talking and start doing things to you instead. To bring you down. To break you down.” As Becky talks, her voice dims into a whisper.

For the first time since I met Becky, I catch a glimpse of her vulnerability. For a moment, she’s not the strong, tough, and funny girl I’ve gotten to know in the last few days, and I feel my heart tighten in my chest. I wish I could protect this girl for the rest of her life.

“No one can protect us but ourselves,” she says, as if reading my thoughts. “But, look, Felipe, I swear to you that one day things will get better. One day you’ll learn