Isaac stroked Tim’s back and made little comforting noises.
But Isaac wasn’t getting it. “I feel so ungrateful,” Tim went on, really crying now. He leaned against Isaac. “I don’t know why I’m reacting this way. I should be happy. I’ve been handed this amazing opportunity that so few people get. I have a supportive family. I have the money to keep training. Only thirty-six male divers in the whole world qualified for this competition, and only a third of those made the final. I won a bronze medal, which is an incredibly difficult thing to do. I should be grateful.” Tim pressed his face against Isaac’s chest, Isaac’s T-shirt absorbing the tears. He felt so melodramatic, but he needed to say this too. “And my parents were so proud. They were so happy for me. So I had to hide how disappointed I was, and how stupid I felt for being that disappointed, all through dinner.” God. It was all one big knot that made Tim feel ridiculous. But he’d expressed himself honestly and was glad at least he had someone he could be that honest with.
Isaac was quiet for a few moments. He simply held Tim and stroked his back. Then he said, “I know that feeling.”
“Yeah?” The word came out sounding watery.
“Yeah. Last Olympics. That silver I won while hungover. I mean, the circumstances were different, but I went through that same thing. If only I hadn’t drunk so much the night before, if I hadn’t taken my talent for granted the way I had, if I’d focused instead of being a cocky asshole, I would have won that gold medal. But I tied the Olympic record and swam the fourth-fastest time recorded that year. I still did something extraordinary. That whole Olympics, I swam really well. And I felt like complete shit afterwards.”
Tim took a deep breath. Isaac was right, the circumstances were different, and Tim realized that Isaac’s unease with his own behavior was partly what had probably driven him to drink more. But the fact that Isaac understood how Tim felt right now was amazing. Probably no one else on the planet would get it, but Tim believed that Isaac did.
“I hate this feeling,” Tim said.
Isaac hugged him close. “I know. But here’s the thing. You have another chance this week. Don’t let it defeat you. Take it for what it is and go for redemption in your next final. Give that next series of dives everything you have. Even if you don’t win the gold, even if the Chinese divers earn all 10s and you only earn 9.5s, it doesn’t matter if you put all you have into it. The disappointment comes from knowing you could have done more but didn’t, so do everything you can. Leave nothing behind.” Isaac took a deep breath, and his chest rose and fell below Tim’s cheek. “Be grateful you don’t have the switch in you that makes you act out when things go like this.”
“Drinking, you mean?”
“Yeah. What you feel right now? I’ve felt that a lot. Even when I won, I second-guessed myself. Like, if I’d pushed myself harder or, hell, been sober the whole meet, would I have won and also broken a world record? Could I have swum a personal best time if I’d given it my all? And why didn’t I? Why did I assume that I should have won just because I’m Isaac fucking Flood?” Isaac sighed again. “Last week was my redemption, you know? I gave those races everything I had. In some of them, I felt like my body might fly apart, I pushed it so hard. After I won the 200 breast, I puked in the locker room. I’ve been sober for a year and a half and I trained my ass off and I put everything I had in me in that pool. And even if I hadn’t won, I would have been okay with that, because I tried my hardest. Luke won the 400 free, and I’m okay with that, because I couldn’t have given that race any more. That’s what this Games has been for me.”
Tim lifted his head and looked Isaac in the eyes. “You have no regrets about this week?”
“Nope. Not one. And I don’t want to see you regret anything either. So give the platform competition your all, okay? And win a gold medal for me, would you?”