Heartland (True North #7) - Sarina Bowen Page 0,57
know how to come back from that. “What do I say to Chastity? If I can even get her to talk to me. Kaitlin was so harsh.”
“Kaitlin is a bitch,” Rickie agrees. “But her feelings were hurt. And she thinks this validates her world view.”
“What world view is that?”
“That you were emotionally unavailable to her.”
I make a noise of disgust. Her behavior today didn’t exactly make me wish I’d been more open. Good lord, the girl cannot be trusted.
Rickie’s tea smells hot and spicy, and it soothes me. That’s the benefit of living with the campus eccentric. Good tea and constant conversation. He rarely leaves the house, and he’s never too busy to talk.
“What are you going to do about Chastity?” he asks now.
“Apologize a hundred more times.” Obviously.
He clicks his tongue as if I’ve said the wrong thing. “But then what? More sex?”
“No,” I say quickly. “No way.”
“But you’d like to.”
I just shrug. What I’d like doesn’t really matter.
“Does she want to?” he presses.
“Doubt it. Would you? Maybe she wanted more before Kaitlyn made the whole thing seem like a tawdry lie.”
“Did she enjoy herself?”
“Absolutely,” I scoff. “But it was a terrible idea. I should have said no and saved us both the anguish.”
“But you said yes. Why?”
“Well, she was so—” I scramble for words. Raw. Needy. Real. “Honest,” is the one I settle on. “I didn’t know she’d ever want me. And it blew my feeble little mind. I was like a little kid on Christmas.”
Rickie laughs.
“But now I know why it's a bad idea to fuck your best friend.”
“Which you’d been wanting to do for a long time.”
“Fine. Sure. Does it matter if it’s true? It was a horrible idea. Chastity doesn’t need me. She needs a guy who—” I break off the sentence, because I don’t really want to imagine her having sex with someone else.
“Who—?” Rickie prompts.
“Doesn’t think with his dick,” I say, for lack of a better explanation.
“She needs someone who loves her,” Rickie says.
“Yes. Right.”
Rickie smiles at me. “So you have two problems. The first is that you have to figure out what the hell you want out of this.”
“I want our friendship back.” It’s not complicated.
“Hmm,” he says. “That’s it?”
“Of course. What else would I want?”
He stirs his tea slowly. “A future together? It’s been done before.”
“Not by me,” I say quickly. “I love Chastity as a friend. There’s nobody better. But I don’t do futures.”
“Not easily,” he muses, sipping his tea. “Not with your abandonment issues.”
“My what?” I sputter, and then burn my mouth on the tea. “How do you drink this stuff so hot?”
“It’s my superpower. That and seeing through your bullshit.”
“I don’t have bullshit. And I don’t have abandonment issues. That’s Kaitlyn’s problem.”
“Oh, you have a matching set. Her father doesn’t care for her. And yours left you.”
“He died.”
“I’m aware. And you haven’t been the same since.”
“Rickie,” I growl. “Don’t psychoanalyze me. You didn’t even know me before.”
He shrugs, as if it’s just so obvious. “Look—you asked me what to do. The answer is that you have to decide if you’re brave enough to try out this thing with Chastity. Because a friendship can survive one night of ill-advised sex. But it can’t survive denial of feelings.”
“Who’s doing the denying in this scenario?” I have to ask.
“You are.” He laughs. “Chastity already knows her feelings.”
“Do I want to hear them?”
Rickie’s smile turns wry. “I don’t know if you’re ready.”
I put my head in my hands. This conversation is getting too heavy. “You think she has a thing for me? Like really a thing?”
“I don’t want to put words in her mouth,” he says quietly. “Maybe you can ask her yourself. But first you have to win back her trust.”
“By apologizing.”
“Maybe,” he hedges. “But here’s your real issue—you did lie. You pretended you weren’t attracted to her. You lied to Kaitlyn to save face. You made this mess, and her anger is entirely justified.”
“Then I guess it’s time to grovel. I’ll call. Today.”
“She won’t answer,” Rickie predicts.
“I can’t apologize by email. That’s just cold.”
“Flowers?”
“Isn’t that a cliché? Chastity would prefer that I spent the money on something more useful. Like our business. She needs so many things.”
“Like what?”
“A computer. A phone. The right version of her textbooks.” I shake my head. “This is why I can't be casual with her. I know too much. She doesn’t deserve a guy who just wants to get a little drunk and screw around. She needs someone to take care of her.”