my eyes. He’d said everything I’d ever wanted to hear, and my brain was having a hard time processing.
All the names Neil had liked to yell at me came roaring back.
Sissy. Freak. Pervert. Sicko.
“Miller?” Carson placed his hand on my shoulder. “Miller, are you okay?”
With a sob, I launched myself into his arms. I nestled my face into the crook of his neck and released everything I’d been bottling up inside. It wasn’t pretty, and my lungs hurt as I tried to get enough oxygen.
Why was I always crying in front of this man?
Carson gave a small oof as he braced himself against my weight. Within seconds, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me tighter into his lap.
“Shhh,” he whispered as he ran a hand through my hair. “It’s okay.”
His hand slipped down to rub my back. “Tell me what’s wrong, darling.”
“I-I-I sor-sor-sorry.” I tried talking, but my throat wouldn’t work.
“It’s okay. Don’t try to talk.” His voice was soft and concerned. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
We sat there for a while as I cried my little eyes out. Carson’s arms the solace I’d needed all along. The tight bands around my chest finally released as I let the pain and anger I’d clung to go. Without it, I felt adrift, lost. Carson was the only thing holding me down, and I knew if I asked, he’d never let me go.
“My last… Neil,” I said, unable to call him Daddy. After spending a single day with Carson, I’d known Neil had never been a real Daddy. He’d been a pretender, a fake, someone who wanted the power and control without the gentle and caring.
“What about him, darling?”
I took a deep breath and told him my secret. “I’ve always liked pretty things,” I whispered into his neck. I ignored the tightening of his muscles and continued. “When I was little, I always wanted to do the stuff the girls got to do. I wanted bows in my hair, swirly summer dresses, and cute, pink sandals. I never wanted to be a girl; I just wanted to play with their stuff, but Mama and Papa wouldn’t buy me any of it.”
I smiled, remembering my only real friend from school. “I met Stephanie in third grade. She’d let me come over to her house and play dress-up with her. Her parents knew mine from church, and I guess they saw the signs and let me be me at their house because they knew I couldn’t at mine. I came out to them first, and we all went for ice cream afterward.”
I’d already told him about my parent’s less than stellar reactions.
I reached up and wiped the tears from my face. Sometimes losing Stephanie hurt worse than my own family, but I knew I had no one to blame but myself.
“I didn’t see it at first,” I said, thinking back to my first few months with Neil. “I thought he was protecting me.” I scoffed. “My parents weren’t talking to me anymore, and Stephanie was my last connection to my old life. He started telling me about all these nasty things he’d heard Stephanie say about me and how she wanted me to break up with him so she could have him to herself. I didn’t believe him at first because she was my best friend and would never say stuff like that, but then she started trying to get me to leave him. I thought, if he’s right about one thing, he must be right about the other stuff too.”
My face crumbled. “I stopped answering her calls and messages.”
“Oh, honey,” he said, pulling me back into his arms.
I felt him reach out for something. Thinking he was pulling away, I held on to him tighter. With a small laugh, he pushed the bunny that had been resting on the bed into my arms. Clutching her tight with one arm, I pressed my face into his chest, taking in his warm, masculine scent.
“He was separating you from your support system,” he said as he rested his hand on my neck and wiped my cheek with his thumb. “He wanted you completely dependent on him.”
“I was,” I replied, deeply ashamed of how far I’d allowed myself to fall.
“And that’s not your fault.” Carson pulled back my face so he could look me in the eye. “It’s not your fault, Miller.”
“But I told him.”
Carson looked confused. “Told him what?”
“When I still had access to my money, I bought some things online,” I