Have Mercy - Christina Lee Page 0,70

anything up for you.”

“Been messed up long before you came,” I said, and the truth of it sat like a heavy stone in my stomach. “Let’s head back.”

23

Julian

“I was crouched on the ground, and it felt like I was there again.” My focus intensified on grooming Mercy’s shoulder as Dr. Barnes murmured in understanding, standing enough of a distance away in the paddock that I didn’t feel overwhelmed by her presence. It felt like it was only me and Mercy, and she was just guiding us along, which I appreciated. I didn’t even have to face her if I didn’t want to. Facing myself was enough today. “Like the bomb had detonated and all the shrapnel had pelted my body and my friends were just gone.”

Kerry and I had lain low since the incident, and though he didn’t say it out loud, I knew he was worried that his brother suspected something was going on between us after spotting Kerry comforting me at the pond.

I was still shaken and pretty embarrassed that Kerry had seen me so vulnerable—Hunter too, who sounded more suspicious that I was there alone with Kerry than anything else. Jackass. At the time I didn’t have the wherewithal to even form any words, let alone give him a piece of my mind.

But I’d be on my way back East soon enough, and there would be nothing to be skeptical about any longer. I wasn’t going to let it hamper my last weeks on the farm or with Kerry. In fact, I wanted to soak up any extra time I could get with him. After that afternoon, I realized he had become important to me, and that was heady in itself.

Empathy shined in Dr. Barnes’s eyes. “Does it always feel so believable—enough that you become completely immobilized?”

I thought about her question as I switched sides and started the brushing again at Mercy’s hip, working my way toward his flank. I’d gotten to know his itchy spots by now and spent extra time moving the hard-bristled brush in a circular motion until he seemed satisfied.

“Outside of the nightmares?” Because those were definitely in the moment.

When she nodded, I shrugged. “Maybe when I first got home. The blaring horns in the city would startle me pretty badly.” I remembered hiding in my room with the pillow smashed over my head, praying for peace and quiet. Over time I’d become a bit more desensitized to the noises, but not enough to feel fully comfortable.

“Makes sense. Your flight-or-fight response activates, and it’s hard to keep the memories from intruding, some more blatantly than others,” she replied, and damn, she really got it. Not that the social worker from the VA didn’t, but this felt different, and not only because of Mercy. Like maybe I was actually making some real headway into understanding it all.

“What helped you come out of the episode this time?”

“Kerry.” My heart squeezed with affection. “He’s been good at recognizing when I zone out. He tells me where I am and what’s going on around me.”

“So he’s good at grounding you?” she asked with a hint of surprise in her tone.

I nodded. Fuck, he was a good man all around. And it’d been different since he allowed me to cry in his arms. Transforming even, like it released a tidal wave of emotions inside me. Most of all grief. I supposed I hadn’t truly mourned the loss yet, not with all my efforts to just keep moving and hold myself together.

When I let Dr. Barnes in on my thoughts, she agreed.

“Trauma manifests in different ways. The body’s emotional, physical, and cognitive responses all blend together, and it feels debilitating,” she explained. “For some, it’s a matter of stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new. For others, it’s about forcing yourself to slow down so everything that happened can finally soak in and settle.”

Holy shit, she was spot-on. “I think that describes me.”

I switched to the softer brush and moved to stand in front of Mercy. When our eyes met, I felt his calming presence radiating inside me. Okay, it sounded ridiculous, but it was true. Like Ainsley did with Piper the day of the thunderstorm, I’d taken to humming softly to Mercy when it was only me and George, who totally didn’t judge.

“What’s the one thing you remember focusing on when you were in the middle of it?” she asked as I began stroking Mercy’s nose.

“What do you mean?” I kept my eyes trained on