I’m not going to be able to sleep, then I might as well go pee.
I slip out of bed as quietly as I can and tiptoe into the bathroom. I close the door nearly all the way before I turn on the light.
I’m on the toilet, about to wipe, when Haley calls me in a low whisper.
“Candy?”
I flush the toilet the same moment Haley pushes open the bathroom door.
“You okay?” she whispers.
“Just had to pee.” My tone’s harsher than I’d wanted it to be, but that’s because my heart’s pounding a thousand times faster again.
I’m getting a migraine.
“Hey…I’m…I’m really sorry about what happened tonight.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Haley’s chin drops, her eyes going wide.
What the hell did she expect? I told her I wasn’t up to it, and she made me do it.
I squeeze my eyes closed.
You’re the one to blame, no one else. You’re responsible for everything that happens to you.
“I’m just… I’m just really tired,” I say through a sigh. I press my fingers into my temples. “And I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Want some Vicodin?” she asks.
“Is that like aspirin? Because that shit doesn’t work for me.”
“Hell no. It’s much stronger. Snuck some out of my mom’s handbag when she came to visit.”
“Sure, why not.”
Haley nods and beckons me out of the bathroom with a flip of her hand. There’s a nightstand next to each set of bunk beds. The two drawers correspond with the bunk locations—Haley’s drawer is on top, mine on the bottom. We get to keep them locked, but our lodge parents have their own set of keys anyway.
There’s no such thing as true privacy at Happy Mountain. Just like there was no such thing as true happiness at the Bale house.
Haley gives me a pill, and I down it with a sip of water.
More than ever, I wish there wasn’t just water in this bottle. I stare at the plastic bottle, swirling the colorless liquid inside.
“What did Josiah say to you?”
I look up at Haley. Shrug. “Nothing he hasn’t said before.”
She looks a little surprised. “Oh. He didn’t…?” then she waves away what she’d been about to say and lets out a soft laugh. “Good night.”
I frown at her, catching her hand before she can make it all the way up to the top bunk. “He didn’t what?” I ask.
From across the room, Trinity mutters, “Shut up, you guys.”
Haley pulls at her arm, and then shrugs at me. “Nothing. I didn’t—”
“Haley.” Now I’m not bothering to lower my voice.
Trinity lets out an exasperated sigh. Her bunk creaks as she throws herself onto her other side like a whale.
“Nothing, Cay. He just…I heard he’s getting out the end of the month.”
She’s little more than a shape in the darkness, but I stare at her as if I can read her mind. “He’s what?”
“Maybe.” She shrugs. “It’s just something I heard.”
I let her go, because what’s the point of hearing more? My body weighs a ton when I slide under the covers, and I lie there like a corpse with my hands folded over my sternum. Strangely, the urge to pick at my scabs is gone. Even my headache’s retreating.
Is it the pill Haley gave me, or is it the fact that I’m starting to accept my fate?
Josiah’s always been the perfect son. Me? I’ve never once done anything right. I thought living with the Bales would be different. If I didn’t want for anything, then I could be perfect too. The perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect version of Candace Furey.
I guess I’m just a fuck up after all.
A warm tear trails down my temple and soaks into my hair. Then another. Another.
My physical pain is gone, and thank God for that. But I still wish I had something to take away this mental agony.
Like that delicious, creamy liqueur Mr. Bale used to pour for me.
I close my eyes and picture myself back in his study. We’re playing a game of chess, and I’m winning. Sipping, sipping on that beautiful crystal tumbler. And he’s smiling, his handsome face beaming with pride.
I put down my glass and sit forward on the seat to take my next move.
A large hand closes over mine, stopping me. I look up, and smile. Mr. Bale is beside me. He squeezes harder and harder and harder, until it’s as if my bones are breaking.
I scream, but no sound comes out. I rush to my feet, but then I trip and fall.
And keep falling, falling, falling.
A hand appears from nowhere, grabs my hair,