I swallow, fighting the tears that begin to pool. “I should never have come here, Vas. This was a giant mistake. I knew it, deep down. I was just too stubborn to admit it.”
Vas reaches for my arm, but I spin around too quickly, and his fingers recoil.
I wonder if he knows all the things I wish I could say to him.
If he knows leaving him is just as painful as leaving the circus.
“Please don’t go,” he says. “It doesn’t have to be the end. I’ll keep training with you, and we’ll get Simon to put you in another act. Maybe the swinging trapeze, or the silk ropes. There are other ways to be a part of the circus.”
I shake my head, my voice hollow. “I don’t want it anymore.”
He looks angry. “That’s not true.”
“It is,” I snap back. “Or at least it will be.” I grab my bag and yank it toward me, the weight of it pulling me down. “I have to go. My parents are waiting outside.”
I only make it one step before he speaks again.
“I thought you had more fight in you.” It sounds like an accusation.
I look up at him, hating how much those green eyes make me want to soften my heart and press myself close to him. They make me feel like they could break me, and I already feel broken. “I’ve done nothing but fight since I got here. I stayed when everyone ignored me. I stayed when Maggie refused to train me. I stayed when Simon put me on popcorn duty, and even when the only place I could practice was at night when nobody was looking. But I won’t stay after this—not after Simon has made it clear that, not only am I not good enough, but I’m not even worth the courtesy of being treated like a person with feelings. It’s business, right? Well, I don’t like this business, and I don’t feel like fighting anymore.”
The circus was everything to me. It was magic, and wonder, and life.
But Simon lifted a veil today.
I don’t see magic in the circus anymore. I see heartbreak.
“You’re not a quitter,” Vas says, his jaw tightening.
I twist my mouth, feeling my defenses rise. “You’re lecturing me about quitting? Come on, Vas. Your heart quit the circus a long time ago, but you won’t actually quit because you’re too scared.” I lift my shoulders. “What are you still doing here? Simon is never going to let you write music for this place. He gave you one song, but for how long? You think when he uses all of Teatro della Notte’s stolen music for next season, he won’t conveniently swap out your song? But sure, you’re not a quitter either, right? You’ll stay here anyway, while the circus eats up your dreams.” I shake my head. “I might be quitting, but at least I’m not letting my heart rot away on a dream I’ve outgrown.”
Vas looks like I’ve punched him in the chest.
Oh my God, what am I doing? I’m ruining us. I’m ruining everything.
But I can’t stop.
“Please don’t leave like this. You’ll regret it.” He swallows. He still thinks there’s hope.
But I know better. The words burst out of me too fast. “I regret a lot of things, but leaving won’t be one of them.”
His green eyes crack in half.
What am I doing? What have I said?
Take it back, take it back, take it back.
“Do you regret me?” I can barely hear him over the pounding in my skull.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I say, but it sounds guttural and harsh because I’ve lost all control of my emotions.
“Did you even consider what it would mean for us if you left? Do you even care?” Us. The word twists my insides. His voice is so far away. “I travel eleven months out of the year, in a circus you so clearly never want to step foot in again. Did you even think about whether or not we’d see each other after this?”
I’m shaking everywhere. “I—no.” Where are my words? Where is my mind?
Vas shifts his jaw. “Of course you didn’t. Because that’s another character flaw, right? You’re always putting yourself before the people you’re supposed to love.” He hesitates. “Or maybe that was just an illusion too.”
“That’s not fair,” I say, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“You never are.” He shifts his weight. “But you sure do leave quite the body count of hurt people