A few slits of moonlight shine in through the blinds and I watch as her chest sinks and rises. Some of her hair is in her face and her features are soft. I love my Bunny . . . but why? What made me fall? Was this really rushed? I hate thinking about it but Mills and his drunk talking always gets to me. When he’s drunk, he always speaks his mind. The night before Natalie came he told me our relationship was moving too fast. It came out of nowhere—him saying that. I wasn’t sure of how to respond so instead of a response, I thought on it. I wanted to ask him why but I was afraid of his answer. I didn’t want to know because I didn’t want to face any facts.
This morning Mills was pissed that I had told Natalie to come over here. He hated that I was planning a funeral so soon but we have to bury the body. We can’t just leave it lying around. When he saw Natalie sitting at the table he grimaced at both her and me before marching for his room and slamming the door behind him. She asked me if he was alright but of course I had to lie to her and say he will be.
I feel terrible for what I had said to her now. I feel like the worst boyfriend on the fucking planet and I should. She didn’t deserve my wrath . . . my heartache but I couldn’t seem to control my anger. My emotions are all over the place right now and it’s not cool for me to take it all out on her. I’ve literally become an emotional wreck and I fucking hate it.
I reach a hand forward to brush the tendrils away from her face. I don’t deserve someone like Natalie. Someone so caring and sweet. Someone who puts up with things from me that she doesn’t have to put up with. I could see the terror in her eyes as we argued earlier. I could practically hear her heavy heart. She didn’t come out of the room until an hour after our argument and I was hoping she wasn’t contemplating. Of course I apologized but what I’d said was how I’d really felt. I want to know why she loves me. I want to know what makes me different from the rest because I feel like there’s nothing that makes me different and it’s not the first time I’ve thought about this question. Most times I used to brush it off but not this time.
I’m lost right now and to know that she doesn’t have a reason makes me worry. It makes me think she only gave in because I kept coming after her. Mills said I rushed it with her. He wanted me to chill out but he said I moved a little too fast. I tried my hardest to wait on the first time with Natalie so I could get to know a bit more about her but when she called me “gay” for holding off, it pissed me off.
Mills never gets enough of calling me a “fag” which is why it aggravates me when Natalie makes a reference to it. He figures that since I can’t get real with one girl, I must have a thing for guys so in his book, that’s a “fag”. He always says it’s a joke but I used to take it to heart a few times. I’m nowhere near gay so I had to prove them wrong.
Now I feel terrible because it seems like testing myself and knowing I can be faithful is one of the main reasons why I’ve stuck it out with Natalie. I love her to death and with her, I don’t need any other girls but I don’t want to admit to her that one of my main reasons for starting this relationship was only to prove myself, my brother, and even my best friend Dawson wrong. It’ll kill her.
Natalie deserves so much more—way more than someone like me. I’m still learning how to settle and I’m glad I’ve done so with her . . . but I don’t know if we’ve been real. I don’t know if we’ve been completely honest or open with one another like a real relationship is supposed to be. We have a connection that can be easily teetered and I don’t want that. I want a strong