him that his grandfather is dead because of her. That I had to kill him because of her. She should tell him exactly what I had to do because of her.”
Arran nods and we sit for a bit longer and then Arran says, “We’ll come again in six months. I miss you, Nathan. I’ve always missed you.”
And he comes and hugs me then and I let him. I don’t want to think about Annalise or anything to do with her, but I do want to remember that time in New York at the railway station and Gabriel’s fingertips caressing my hand. And I remember how gentle he was and when I open my eyes it’s getting dark and Arran and Adele are gone. I follow their tracks. It’s a long way to the road but I soon see them. They walk slowly, holding hands, and I keep well back, out of sight, but making sure they find their way OK.
* * *
Arran and Adele come twice a year to see me. Spring and autumn. They’ve been six times so far. They bring me little gifts of food, clothes, and drawing materials. And they bring news of how the new Joint Witch Council is working and how many more Blacks are working in it and how there are problems but each one is dealt with. And they bring news of my son. Annalise writes to Arran and sends photos, which he gives me. My son, Edge, looks like me I think—the same black hair and olive skin, though his eyes don’t seem so black. He smiles in the pictures and looks happy. And somehow I know if he ever met me that smile would go. I think of Marcus and how much I wanted to see him when I was a child, and then I remember having to eat his heart and all the terrible things I’ve done. I don’t want my son to ever feel like I do.
I like to see Arran and Adele, and I talk to them OK, I think. Arran says he can tell I’m much better but mostly I don’t feel it. I miss Gabriel desperately every day. But I remember what Gabriel told me: that I should use my Gift. So that’s what I do and it helps. I transform a lot. I spent a couple of months as a wild dog and felt better for it. Now I go animal for a day or so at a time. I hunt and eat like that. But still every day is agony without Gabriel. And I remember what Ledger told me too. Ledger said the earth would help. I know that’s true. I know that I can access the Essence and it’s in the earth and in me too. I know what I’ve got to do, but not yet.
A couple of weeks after Arran’s latest visit I have a new visitor. Only she doesn’t really visit me; she just turns up and starts building a bloody log cabin. Straightaway I can tell what she’s up to: chopping down trees and hauling them around using this great big horse that she’s arrived on. It needs to be a big horse to carry her.
I watch from a distance, wondering if she knows I’m watching. She probably sensed it from the first second, knowing her. She still moves the same way: light, almost like a dancer, despite her size.
She makes good progress on the cabin over the next month. It won’t be big but there is only her. Two rooms, I think. She cooks out front every evening. She’s brought lots of tinned and packaged stuff, but I guess that making a cabin is enough work to do without having to bother about hunting and fishing too.
I’ve not spoken to her yet, not gone to see her. I’ll take her a rabbit or two tomorrow.
I Read to Him
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
does not make any sense.
Jelaluddin Rumi
I never had children. I never wanted them, and Nathan isn’t my son but I feel a responsibility for him. I’ll always feel that, perhaps even more than if he was my son. I will always be his teacher and guardian. I saw him up close a few days after I got here from London, after I handed over all my responsibilities to