She paused. ‘It’s hard to know how much I can trust my feelings right now, but … yes, it is.’
Another of those long, alarming silences. Then, ‘When?’
‘Soon. As possible. I can get time off. I’m working with my dad.’
‘Okay.’ He was immediately all business. ‘I’ll sort something. I’ll text you.’
But he didn’t.
Friday passed.
Saturday passed.
Sunday passed.
Monday
Ferdia finally called. He asked, ‘You still want to do this?’
‘Yes.’ Nell swallowed.
‘Okay. Tomorrow, can you get the train to Scara? It’s down the coast.’
Scara? ‘Where the lighthouse is?’
‘Yep. Not many trains there because it’s small. Could you get the fourteen-fifty out of Greystones? Is it okay if I see you at Scara station? Instead of getting the train with you?’
‘Um. Sure.’
‘Text me when you’re near. I’ll be there.’
On Monday evening, Liam looked up as Johnny came in from a work do. ‘She still holding out on you?’ He seemed irritable.
Johnny swallowed. ‘I don’t think …’ He sat and put his head into his hands. ‘I’m not sure this is fixable. It’s been eleven days, that’s nearly two weeks. I think she means it.’
‘Nah! When she needs you to pick the kids up from horse-riding –’
‘Horse-riding?’
‘Or whatever hobby it is that particular day. I dunno, ballet or stuff. She’ll need you then. She won’t last long without her little errand boy.’
‘I’m not her errand boy.’
‘You totally are.’
Sudden hot rage burst from Johnny’s mouth. ‘Shut up, you fucking paedophile.’
‘She’s eighteen, you prick! Eighteen. Fuck you.’
‘Fuck you too.’
‘No, fuck you, you sap. Your problem is you’re scared of Jessie.’
‘I’m not.’
‘Totally are. You need to man up.’ Then, ‘Where’re you off to?’
Jessie was turning off the lights and shutting the house up for the night when the doorbell rang. It was Johnny.
‘What the hell?’ she said. ‘They’re all in bed.’
‘I’m here to see you, not the kids.’
‘What for?’
He followed her down the hall and into the living room. ‘We need to talk.’
‘Don’t apologize again,’ she said.
‘I won’t.’ He took an armchair at an angle to hers. ‘Because I did nothing wrong.’ His conviction surprised her. ‘I didn’t go looking for anything with Izzy. It felt like a random opportunity that life sometimes drops in your lap. Messaging her, meeting her, I did it for both you and me. I’m sure about that. It was a mistake. But I wasn’t up to something bad.’
He seemed different tonight, Jessie thought. Nothing like as meek.
‘You saw all the messages,’ he said. ‘And don’t start that secret-messages thing again. There aren’t any. Nothing sexual happened with Izzy. It literally didn’t even cross my mind.’
She was upset by this ardent speech, without knowing why.
‘When I was younger, I didn’t have any respect, not for myself. Compared to other men – Rory was one of them – I felt like a shallow fool. I was careless about the women I slept with. Careless about a lot of things. I’m ashamed of who I was. But I’m not that man now. I haven’t been that man for a long time. I’m a joke to you and the kids –’
‘I’m the joke. Herr Kommandant and all that.’
‘And I’m Johnny the eejit who can hardly lace his own shoes. But – and this is something I’ve thought about a lot – I’m a decent man. I’m sure. I try my best to be a good father. I live my life around you because that makes me happy.’
‘If that was true, you’d never have messaged Izzy.’
‘You’re hurt by what you thought was in my head. And you’re hurt by Izzy not wanting both of us. I’m sorry that my actions caused you that pain.’
‘I couldn’t give a damn about Izzy –’
‘Before all of this, we were happy. Happier than most people. Well, I was.’
‘You were worried about money.’
‘Everyone’s worried about money.’
‘Are you still waiting for the Kinsellas to welcome you back?’
‘I have my own family now. Finally – and, Jessie, this is the last time I’ll say it –’
His confidence was very unsettling. She’d got used to him abasing himself with remorse.
‘– I only said “lol” once and I despised myself for it. Plus, I never sent a single cat gif. I’m leaving now. That’s the last time I’ll say any of that.’
Tuesday
Soon after Jessie arrived in the office, Karl Brennan’s name lit up her phone. She answered quickly because he’d probably put his meter on the second he thought about ringing her.
‘I’m done,’ he said. ‘Four proposals for you, lovely lady.’