But she couldn’t do that. He lived in a shared house: there were other people to consider.
‘Grab my work stuff.’ She scooted past Garr, piling things into a nylon sack. ‘Portfolios, models. I need it all.’
‘Can’t you come back tomorrow?’
‘I don’t trust him. He might chuck it out.’
‘Even though he was with that young girl?’
A wave of disbelief made her dizzy. ‘Isn’t it the most messed-up thing ever?’
‘What about you and the young lad?’
‘Don’t ask me. I’m too goofed to have any clue. I just need to find a place to live and get calm. Priorities.’
When Rory died, Jessie’s one consolation was that she’d never again have to live through something as bad. Her dad’s passing was painful. Her mother’s was worse. The wound of being cut out of the Kinsella inner circle had taken a while to heal. Giving up on having a sixth child had, for a patch, been oddly unbearable. But nothing had ever come close to the visceral punch of Rory ceasing to exist.
Over the years, whenever a big drama had blown up, her second or third thought was, I’ve already survived the worst thing that could happen.
It had made her feel safe. Almost lucky.
But this – tonight – was as bad as Rory, that same light-headed combination of disbelief and stone-cold certainty: something terrible had happened. She didn’t want it to be true, but everything had already changed for ever. Once more, the jigsaw of her life had been thrown up in the air and she had no idea where the pieces would land.
For all their tussles about money and work, she’d believed she and Johnny were solid. Suddenly she felt in freefall.
After all these years, Johnny and Izzy? Her shock was profound – she knew this because she felt as if she were dreaming. Through past experience, she’d learnt that this was how the unbearable was borne: her helpful brain muffled her perceptions so that appalling reality only impacted in manageable drops.
But despite her brain’s best efforts, waves of fear kept heaving through her. This – Johnny cheating. With Izzy – it had a humiliatingly inevitable feel.
Even though she was shocked, a voice in her head was saying, Oh, yeah, it’s bad but it’s not really a surprise.
The mistake she’d made was thinking she had grown out of being the person whom others mocked. She’d got used to being broadly happy. But the wheel of life was just going to keep on turning until it delivered her right back to the person she had always been.
It wasn’t just her and Johnny who’d fallen apart tonight. The entire family had imploded.
Sadder still, in this whole mess, was that Cara was once again bingeing and puking. Her body wasn’t able for it – and neither was Ed.
‘Mum.’ Bridey broke into her introspection. ‘Movie’s over. It’s ten past eleven. Where will I put Vinnie and Tom? In my bed? I can sleep with Saoirse? You put Dilly to bed, and I’ll do TJ.’ Then, ‘Dilly, behave for Mum. Bad things happened tonight.’
Quickly, anxiously, Dilly crossed to her bedroom and pulled her duvet to her chin.
‘Good girl,’ Jessie said. ‘Go to sleep.’
‘Mum …’ Dilly said, as Jessie’s tears splashed onto her. ‘Your crying is falling off your face!’
‘Go to sleep. Everything will be okay.’ You shouldn’t lie to children, but now wasn’t the time for the truth.
Downstairs, Johnny was at the kitchen sink, up to his wrists in soapy water. ‘Babes, please.’ He abandoned the washing-up. ‘Just let me explain. Nothing happened –’
‘But it did.’
‘Not like … Look. Yes. I know. But can I just explain –’
‘Why? You, Izzy, apartment, secret meeting, secret bank account. I can join the dots.’
‘Please listen.’ Johnny talked quickly. ‘A few months ago, in the summer, I gave Saoirse and Ferdia a lift to Errislannan. I bumped into Izzy. Totally random. Expected her to be pissed off, she was … friendly. Few days later, she sent a friend request.’
‘And you accepted? Without telling me?’
‘It was delicate. You wouldn’t have wanted me talking to Izzy. But!’ He spoke over her uprush of complaint. ‘I was trying to find out if they still hated us.’ His mouth sounded clacky. ‘Without straight out asking. I thought if she trusted me first, it would give both of us a better chance with all of them. To be friends again.’
‘But we were fine without them.’
‘I thought you wanted …’ He looked confused.
‘It would have been nice if we were all pals again. But you know …’