twenty-four years older than her husband. Yeah. I’ve been googling all that stuff.’
‘What about Jessie? I respect her, I really like her, she’d freak out …’
‘Hey, we’re all adults here.’
‘Yeaaah, you know, we’re kind of … not. You’re still in college.’
‘In eight months I’ll be done.’
‘I can’t trust myself because I was sure I loved Liam.’
‘Because he was coming along, like, all Mr Perfect, pretending he loved art and that. Me? You thought I was a – a spoilt kid. Because I was. But I’ve been on a steep learning curve.’
She pressed her lips together. Until she’d talked to Liam, she couldn’t promise Ferdia anything.
He sighed and shrugged. ‘Look, you know how I feel. It’s up to you. If you want me …’
Then he was gone.
Nell dried herself slowly as the bathwater drained away. That was not cool. It shouldn’t have happened. None of it. No matter what Ferdia said, he didn’t really love her: he was simply young and idealistic. Likewise, the feelings she thought she had for him – the longing, the physical attraction – they were just a weird by-product of this crazy emotional upheaval.
Leaving Liam and ending their marriage were going to be tough: all of her focus and energy would be needed. She just had to trust that when everything was done, she’d be madly relieved that nothing had happened with Ferdia.
Apart from that one – let’s be honest here – fucking amazing kiss.
NINETY-ONE
‘Mum.’
‘Mum.’
‘MUM!’
A sharp finger dug into her upper arm. ‘Ouch!’
‘Wake up,’ Vinnie yelled. ‘We’re home from Grandma’s!’
Cara opened her eyes and had to shut them again. Everything hurt. Her head, her jaw, her shoulders, even her feet. ‘What?’ she croaked.
‘I need money.’
Memories of the previous night came flooding back. Gabby’s birthday. That horrific meal. The humiliation of everyone whispering about her. She’d only had a couple of glasses of wine. Why did she feel as if she had the worst hangover of her life?
‘Money,’ Vinnie repeated.
Slowly, every muscle aching, Cara managed to sit upright in bed. She’d obviously caught a virus. ‘Is Grandma here?’ she whispered.
‘She’s gone to play tennis.’
‘Get Tom for me,’ she croaked.
‘Money first.’
She managed to open her eyes. ‘Get. Your. Brother.’
Vinnie backed away nervously and returned moments later with Tom.
‘The thermometer,’ she instructed Tom. ‘It’s in the box in the bathroom. I’m sick.’
But her temperature was normal. She didn’t understand.
She felt as if she’d done ten Pilates classes back to back.
Was it because of last night?
Maybe. She’d felt under attack, so she’d clenched all of her muscles, trying to make herself so small that she’d disappear. Worse than the physical pain was the terrible depression that had descended on her, seemingly out of nowhere. Everything felt broken and strange – her friendships, her job, herself and Ed.
She could not have got out of bed if her life depended on it. As the day went on, the boys made her toast and a cup of tea, which they presented with the same pride as if they’d just managed to split the atom. She couldn’t summon the praise they so obviously expected.
Early evening, waiting for Ed to get home, they climbed into bed with her and put on Wreck-It Ralph. Tears began leaking down her face. Soon she was gasping and struggling for breath.
‘Stop,’ Vinnie said, not unkindly. ‘Please, Mum, stop. Mums don’t cry.’
Dropping her weekend bag in the hall, Nell found Liam in the living room. Anxiety buzzed in her stomach, making her feel sick. He needed to know now. Common decency said he deserved that.
‘Hey, you’re home!’ He moved to get up to kiss her but she waved him back down.
‘We need to talk.’
It was a surprise when he replied, ‘Yep, we do. I’ll go first. I’ve quit my job.’
Nell felt the blood drain from her face. ‘Whatnow …?’
‘Yep.’ He was cheery. ‘Just seemed obvious. Trying to work and study, it’s too much, was making me narky. And seriously, baby, all the grief I get from that place, for so little cash, what’s the point?’
This can’t be happening.
‘Only thing is, we’ll be living on whatever you make. You’ll be supporting us – just for a while. That’s okay?’ Softly he said, ‘“For richer, for poorer”, right? Baby, don’t look so shocked.’ His smile was gentle. ‘We’ll be grand. Exams are only a couple of months away. Soon as I qualify, I can start charging people. Might take a while to build up a clientele, but we’ll be grand.’
She’d written nothing about this in that stupid letter to herself.