my front. “Come with me?” I ask before heading back to my bedroom.
I set Oliver on the bed, which only pisses him off more. When the boy wants his butt changed and his food, he wants it now. He doesn’t like to wait, especially now. Lena grabs the clean diaper and wipes, tossing them on the bed beside me, as I start to remove his shorts and onesie top. “Pewwww, smelly boy.” I gag as I expose his ass to see the nice little treat he’s left me.
“I’ll make a bottle,” Lena says before disappearing from the room.
I get Oliver’s pants changed, which pleases him immensely, and join him on the bed. I prop him on my upper arm to elevate his head and snuggle up on my side. Lena returns a few moments later and hands me the formula. His mouth is already open like a baby bird as soon as he sees it and latches on immediately once I place the nipple at his lips.
“Someone is hungry,” she whispers, crawling onto the bed.
“Lie with us?”
She’s smiling as she sprawls out next to me on her side. Oliver’s little hand wraps around her finger and his eyes continually glance her way, as if making sure she’s still there. My heart literally soars to the clouds yet crashes to the ground and breaks. He loves her as much as I do, and even though he won’t remember her when he’s older, he’ll feel the loss of her presence as soon as she’s gone too.
Our gazes are locked as my son eats between us, his eyes growing heavier with each passing second. A whole conversation is had between us without even speaking a word. I see everything pass through those gorgeous green eyes. Sadness, longing, passion, and love. No, it’s not something either of us have spoken, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. It’s very much present, alive and breathing between us, and it’ll continue to be there despite the distance. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last six weeks, no quantity of miles, no amount of time, diminished the love I have felt for her.
Will always feel for her.
When the bottle is empty, I burp my son and lie him back between us. When she places her hand on his abdomen, I cover hers with mine, entwining our fingers together. A single tear slides from her eye and disappears into her hair. It’s followed by more, and I hate it so much I literally feel agony squeezing my chest.
“Stay,” I whisper. I hate the desperation I hear in that single word, hate the pain I see flash in her eyes.
Even more, I hate the refusal that’s about to fall from her lips.
“I wish I could,” she cries.
I remove my hand from hers and set it on her cheek, wiping away the wetness. “I know, Lean. I know.”
I do know. I know things may have been different for us if I hadn’t pursued a career in professional racing. If I had just stayed behind and not followed my dreams.
But I also know she would never have let that happen. She loved me too much to let me stay.
So, as the weight of our emotions settles over us and our own eyes start to droop, I hold her hand again as if it were somehow the anchor that keeps us from drifting apart. With my son peacefully unaware of the horrible pain I feel beside him, I let myself fall into a fitful slumber.
***
I can feel eyes on me before I’ve cracked mine open. I lie perfectly still, instantly knowing Oliver isn’t awake yet, and that means it can only be one person. My Lena.
I’m already smiling as my eyes open, but it takes a second to register the fact hers are closed. Yet, I can still feel someone watching me. I continue to hold perfectly still for several seconds, cataloging what I hear around me. The television is on in the main area, and there’s road noise beneath me.
Unable to take the scrutiny any longer, I turn my head to the doorway behind me and find Alison standing there. She’s just…watching us. Me, to be exact. “Can I help you?” I whisper, an uneasy feeling tingling the back of my neck.
“Oh, sorry,” she whispers, a flush creeping up her cheek. “I thought I heard Oliver, so I was just peeking in on him. I didn’t realize you guys were all napping together,” she adds, a friendly smile on