each other’s backs. There’s no way to understand it, and no one would if they knew our truth, but these boys don’t ask anyone for understanding.
“You all look like shit,” I observe. “Did you sit here all night?”
“Most of us,” Marek explains, standing to be next to me. His attention cuts to Byron as he walks into the kitchen.
Byron watches the two of us, curiously and untrusting.
“I could’ve killed you that night. And I know no apology will make that truth fade, but I need you to understand me a little more, and then you can decide if I’m as inhumane as you think I am.” He grips the edge of the island. “I met your sister when she was a freshman. She was this force, even at her age. She couldn’t walk into a room without everyone taking notice. Much like yourself. I’ve lived a certain kind of privilege in my life, and with that, I’ve never known what a true connection looks like. Until her. She allowed me to be myself, no shame, no questions asked. The scars. The ugly. All of it.”
“And this is your justification for what you did to me?”
“No, nothing will justify it. If your sister could see me now, I can tell you with complete certainty, she’d already be burying me in a shallow grave. She may have loved me, Palmer, but she loved you beyond reason. I used that knowledge in my favor because, at the end of the day, when I saw Reed’s blood spread all over that dorm room, everything in this world ceased to exist. I lost a part of me that day, and numbness took its place. I’ve always been less than human, a mixture of shattered parts.”
“Even if I could understand why you did what you did, you almost took me away, erased me like they did her.” The memory of his dead eyes looking at me with such little respect for my life has me taking a step back. Marek notices and moves between us, shielding me with one of his shoulders.
“What if it was Marek?” Byron offers a way for me to understand.
“Excuse me?” I narrow my stare on him. Unbelievable, this guy, thinking he can use Marek’s and my relationship against me, even as fucked up as it is.
“What would you do for him? At the end of the day, what lengths would you go to for him?” His brows draw together, his eyes pained and tortured. “I’m not making assumptions here. I know the way you look at him. Through his cruelty, you still saw him. You don’t get to that level of understanding without love, Palmer.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I nudge Marek to the side and glare at Byron. “I don’t even know what to feel anymore.”
“I love her. I’m still madly in love with her, and when I close my eyes, I can see her smile and can even imagine her laughter. Reed was the only person on this earth who didn’t cringe at the thought of loving someone like me.” He shakes his head, disappointment marring his features. Unshed tears glisten in his eyes. Humanity. All it took is Reed to bring it out of him. “I’m sorry that you had to get hurt in the process of my revenge, that I dragged the other guys into it. He’s not the monster I made him into.” He looks at Marek like a brother, a confidant, the exact reason I came up here.
“I think we all know that isn’t true, Byron.” I find myself softening a little to this piece of shit, and I hate myself for it. “No one can make anyone do something they aren’t already capable of. The drive is already within us. You simply gave him the opportunity to explore it.”
I lean on the counter and stare out the window at the morning light.
What if it was Marek? Byron’s words pound like a drum in my ear, unrelentless and persistent. The burn behind my eyes tells me these four boys haven’t completely ruined me. I’m still me inside. I have a heart and a conscience. Those things weren’t lost on the rooftop, and my wet cheeks are my proof.
I turn, and Marek’s staring at me. Byron and Dixon stand close to each other. Breaker is off to the side.
“You each have done things to me that won’t be easily forgiven, but when I look at you, even you”— I dry my tears, not wanting Byron