What the hell are you doing?’ My heart thrummed, pulse thumping in my ears. I clutched my chest.
‘Were you afraid that time?’ she said, and I nodded. ‘Heart beating rapidly? Talk backward from ten to one and think of the sun and lying in long grass,’ she said, but I was too busy clutching my chest and breathing like a dog.
‘Do it!’ she snapped, and I closed my eyes, counting backward and thinking about the grass. ‘Is it working?’
I shook my head.
‘Think about where you’re from. The long grasses in the field, in the vineyard when the sun’s out. Maybe you’ve run through them when the sun rises or lain in them when it sets…’
I thought about Charlotte and me running down the hill behind the chateau, me chasing her with the sun on our calves and her dress kicking up behind her legs. Both of us giggling.
‘Did it work?’ she said, and I opened my eyes, feeling my bare skin under my sleeping gown.
‘I don’t know…’
‘Use the counting technique when you feel your heart rate jump,’ she said. ‘When you’re scared and you need to be in control. Germans are notorious for knowing when a person’s nervous. The more you practise relaxing the better you’ll get at it. You won’t be able to close your eyes all the time. And don’t forget to breathe. I taught myself that trick. I wish I’d known it when it counted.’
‘Did something happen?’ I said, but Marguerite turned away to pull a barrel out from behind the table. I was surprised to see it was full of water. She flicked some on my face.
‘It’s cold!’ I said, cowering.
She laughed. ‘Step in.’
‘What?’ I said. ‘In there?’
She motioned with her eyes for me to get in, and I took off my socks. ‘Damn you, Marguerite,’ I mumbled. ‘This isn’t training. You’re just being mean,’ I said, and she shook her head.
I got in one foot at a time. And it wasn’t just cold. It was damn cold. Ice cold. ‘How long,’ I said, shivering, ‘do I have to stay in here?’
‘Ten minutes.’ She looked at her watch, and I stared at the wall.
‘Did you have to do this?’ I said, and she shook her head, looking at her watch.
‘I told you I never received any training,’ she said.
‘Then why do I—’ I groaned.
‘Almost done.’ She smiled like she was enjoying my suffering. ‘Look at the wall. Focus on it,’ she said, and my lips pinched up, staring at the wall, but still talking to her.
‘Is it time for that drink?’ I said.
‘Time’s up!’ she said, and I jumped from the barrel only to fall on the floor with numb feet.
She laughed, grabbing the bottle. ‘Come on.’
She gave me a blanket for my feet, and we sat down on the stone floor with our backs against the wall because the last thing I wanted to do was sit in that chair one more second. The liquor was warm and strong and burned my throat. ‘Scotch,’ I said, feeling the bite of it on my tongue. ‘Where’d you get scotch?’
‘You ask a lot of questions,’ she said. ‘Just enjoy it.’
‘Did someone give it to you?’ I said.
‘Mother Superior,’ she said, and my mouth gaped open for the second time that night.
‘No,’ I breathed, but she nodded, and we shared it, taking swigs straight from the bottle.
‘You know what this needs?’ I said, as she took a drink. ‘Something sweet. Crumbling cinnamon bread or I know—’
‘Candied almonds,’ we both said, and then laughed.
‘Yes,’ I said, and she handed me the bottle. ‘Sugary and sweet, a touch of cinnamon. The market in Vichy has the best ones. Up from the south, in Marseille.’
‘I haven’t eaten those in so long,’ Marguerite said. ‘And the soup here is absolutely revolting,’ she said, and I burst out laughing. ‘I told them it was fine, but it’s one step above terrible. The almonds though. I do miss those. They’re my fiancé’s favourite too.’
A quiet moment passed between us after she mentioned a fiancé. I could only imagine he was the man I saw her kissing near the laundry.
‘He’s handsome,’ I said, and she looked at me. ‘The man you were kissing…’
She blushed, and I never thought I’d ever see Marguerite blush. ‘His name’s Philip.’ She reached down the front of her postulant smock and pulled out a silver locket. ‘He’s a patriot,’ she said, opening it so I could see the photos stuck inside the two halves. One of her and one of