that nobody ever feels."
"I don't think it's profitable to discuss the nature of pain with you, Rob."
"Is it profitable to discuss whether you're real or not?"
He almost sighs. "Rob," he says, "I don't think it's profitable to discuss the nature of reality with you, either. I know I'm a machine. You know I'm a machine. What is the purpose in our being here? Are we here to help me?"
1316 ,S, It's very healthy that you 115,215 view your breakup 115,220 with Drusilla as a learning 115,225 experience, Bob. 115,230 1318 ,C, I'm a very healthy per- 115,235 son, Sigfrid, that's 115,240 why I'm here. 115,245 1319 IRRAY (DE)=IRRAY (DF) 115,250 1320 ,C, Anyway, that's what life 115,255 is, just one learning 115,260 experience after another, 115,265 and when you're through 115,270 with all the learning experi- 115,275 ences you graduate and 115,280 what you get for a diploma 115,285 is, you die. 115,290
"I sometimes wonder," I say, sulking.
"I don't think you actually wonder about that. I think you know that you are here to help you, and the way to do it is by trying to make something happen inside you. What I do with the information may be interesting to your curiosity, and it may also provide you with an excuse to spend these sessions on intellectual conversation instead of therapy—"
"Touche, Sigfrid," I interrupt.
"Yes. But it is what you do with it that makes the difference in how you feel, and whether you function somewhat better or somewhat worse in situations that are important to you. Please concern yourself with the inside of your own head, Rob, not mine."
I say admiringly, "You sure are one fucking intelligent machine, Sigfrid."
He says, "I have the impression that what you're actually saying there is, 'I hate your fucking guts, Sigfrid.'"
I have never heard him say anything like that before, and it takes me aback, until I remember that as a matter of fact I have said exactly that to him, not once but quite a few times. And that it's true.
I do hate his guts.
He is trying to help me, and I hate him for it very much. I think about sweet, sexy S. Ya. and how willing she is to do anything I ask her, pretty nearly. I want, a lot, to make Sigfrid hurt.
Chapter 12
I came back to my room one morning and found the P-phone whining faintly, like a distant, angry mosquito. I punched the message code and found that the assistant personnel director required my presence in her office at ten hundred hours that morning. Well, it was later than that already. I had formed the habit of spending a lot of time, and most nights, with Klara. Her pad was a lot more comfortable than mine. So I didn't get the message until nearly eleven, and my tardiness in getting to the Corporation personnel offices didn't help the assistant director's mood.
She was a very fat woman named Emma Fother. She brushed off my excuses and accused, "You graduated your courses seventeen days ago. You haven't done a thing since."
"I'm waiting for the right mission," I said.
"How long are you going to wait? Your per capita's paid up for three more days, then what?"
"Well," I said, almost truthfully, "I was going to come in to see you about that today anyway. I'd like a job here on Gateway."
"Pshaw." (I'd never heard anyone say that before, but that's how it sounded.) "Is that why you came to Gateway, to clean sewers?"
MISSION REPORT
Vessel 3-31, Voyage 08D27. Crew C. Pitrin, N. Ginza, J. Krabbe.
Transit time out 19 days 4 hours. Position uncertain, vicinity (21.y.) Zeta Tauri.
Summary: "Emerged in transpolar orbit planet .88 Earth radius at .4 A.U. Planet possessed 3 detected small satellites. Six other planets inferred by computer logic. Primary K7.
"Landing made. This planet has evidently gone through a warming period. There are no ice caps, and the present shorelines do not appear very old. No detected signs of habitation. No intelligent life.
"Finescreen scanning located what appeared to be a Heechee rendezvous station in our orbit. We approached it. It was intact. In forcing an entrance it exploded and N. Ginza was killed. Our vessel was damaged and we returned, J. Krabbe dying en route. No artifacts were secured. Biotic samples from planet destroyed in damage to vessel."
I was pretty sure that was a bluff, because there weren't that many sewers; there wasn't enough gravity flow to support them. "The right mission could come along any day."
"Oh, sure, Rob. You