“You…you haven’t been seeing anyone else?” I blinked at him.
“Of course not. I’m fucking in love with you.”
And like he couldn’t stand not to for one more second, he grabbed me and kissed me. His lips were pained and desperate, and I hopelessly kissed him back. I climbed him, combing my hands in his hair. I wished I could drown in him. I needed to extinguish the burning disappointment in my soul, and for a few seconds, I did.
And then I pushed him away.
He let me go and I staggered back in the grass, and he stood there, panting.
“Josh, I can’t see you anymore, okay? This is over.” I choked on the words.
I watched what I said hit him like a smack. “Why?”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and blinked through the tears. “Because you’re obviously taking this way more seriously than you should be. I told you. I told you from day one that this would only ever be sex. I never lied to you.”
His jaw went rigid. “You’re lying to me right now. I know this isn’t what you want. You fucking love me, Kristen. Just stop—” He reached for me and I smacked his hand away.
He stood staring at me, confusion and hurt etched all over his handsome face. “Why aren’t I good enough? Is it because I don’t speak a dozen languages? I don’t have a fucking master’s degree? I don’t make enough money? What is it?”
It’s not you.
I let the tears run down my face, and I clutched at my facade. “You thought you could change me just like you thought you could change Celeste. You’re changing the rules, just like you did to her. Don’t put your shit on me, Josh. You said you could handle this. You said you could—”
“I’m not fucking crazy! Stop acting like I’m making this up!” He dragged his hands down his face and balled his fists over his eyes. He stood there, his breath coming out in gasps, and I wanted to run to him and dive into his arms. But I didn’t budge.
“We’re in love,” he said, blinking at me through tears. “We are. Why are you doing this?”
My bottom lip trembled. “Fine. So we’re in love. What do you want from me, Josh?”
He let out a shaky breath, and the relief transformed every inch of his body. His eyes softened into hope.
He closed the space between us and gathered my face in his hands. “I want what we had today, all the time. I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand on a walk and kiss you in a damn booth. I want you to answer my fucking calls and let me hug you. I want to make plans with you on New Year’s and my birthday and tell people you’re my girlfriend.” His eyes begged me. “Please, Kristen. Just…stop.”
“I can’t have children.”
I forced it from myself before I lost the ability to do it.
It had the desired effect. He froze.
“What?” he breathed.
“I can’t have children. I have a condition. I’ll never have them.”
His hands dropped from my face. He stared at me with his mouth open, the color draining from his cheeks. “You can’t…what do you…what?”
I took a few steps backward, giving myself a head start. He didn’t move. He just stood there, shell shocked, gawking at me.
When he didn’t reach for me again, I turned and ran.
THIRTY-ONE
Josh
I got to the fire station early this morning. I had no hope of sleeping and needed the distraction.
Kristen never came home last night.
Fuck, I shouldn’t have let her run off. I was just so shocked. It felt like she’d handed me a bomb and it detonated in my face, pelting me with emotional shrapnel. My ears had literally started to ring after what she’d said, and she’d bolted and jumped into the car of some girl she’d met during trivia, and she was gone in an instant. It happened so fast.
I’d stayed up, waiting for her in her living room. Calling her cell phone, sending her text messages, begging her to come home and talk to me.
She sent me a text around midnight saying only that she was okay, she wasn’t coming back, and to please walk the dog.
Everything was finally clear. It all made sense. It was so obvious to me now I wondered how I couldn’t have known. The severe cramps, the spotting. Her history of anemia. The long periods.