ill.
‘The thing I can’t get my head around though is, did he ever tell Mum about Helena and the fact he was married? And did she convince herself she didn’t want to get married because there was no chance of it happening. Or did the two of them decide together that they didn’t need a marriage certificate? Mum always said they were a couple of hippies.’ Belinda stopped. ‘Actually, I don’t think she did know. I still remember the way she flipped the day she dragged me away. Totally out of character for her.’ Belinda shook her head. ‘So much I don’t understand and probably never will now.’
She stopped walking suddenly and turned to face Alain.
‘How old are you exactly?’
‘Fifty-five.’
‘Two years older than me, so you would have been nineteen when the so-called “Belrose” scandal erupted,’ Belinda said thoughtfully. ‘Did you hear about it at the time?’
Alain shook his head. ‘At the time, non. I am away in Rennes studying. Besides, I’m a young man and more interested in le football and les girls.’ He paused and looked at her. ‘Mais, my parents knew about it when I asked them today. I think they knew your mama.’
Belinda started walking again, her thoughts in turmoil.
‘Do you want to go and see your father?’ Alain asked quietly.
Belinda didn’t answer him straight away and he didn’t push her.
‘I don’t know,’ she said eventually. ‘I’m not sure I can forgive him for the hurt he caused Mum and me. Mum might have wanted me to lay the ghosts as she put it, but I’m not sure whether she knew he was still alive. One thing I forgot to tell you. He’s back living in our old cottage with Helena. She’s actually looking after him. Now, her, I definitely don’t want to see.’ Belinda could feel tears starting to break through and rubbed her eyes hard. ‘I cried an ocean of tears years ago. How can I possibly have any left to cry over him?’
Alain gently and unexpectedly put his arms around her and held her tight. ‘If you decide to go and see your father, I take you. Don’t go alone.’
‘I lost my father years ago. This man, Enzo Belrose, is a virtual stranger.’ Belinda lost the fight with keeping the tears at bay and they soaked into Alain’s jumper, but she didn’t want to move. ‘Sorry I’m making you all wet.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
Standing there secure in Alain’s arms, Belinda had a flashback to her father holding her tight when she’d been crying after her grandmother had died. She was shocked to realise the feeling of security she felt now with Alain’s arms around her resembled the same sense of belonging she’d felt when her father hugged her.
‘He lost you and your mama,’ Alain said. ‘I doubt he expected Helena to ever turn up again, let alone lay claim to ’im after all those years. Peut-être that was foolish of ’im, mais I think he’s been a victim in all this as much as you and your mama.’ Alain held her tightly as he said softly, ‘Even if you can’t forgive ’im, he might want to see you one last time.’
34
After their late-night patrol, Alain had accompanied Belinda back to the house and made her a hot chocolate.
‘Things, they always look better in the morning,’ he’d said, handing her the drink. ‘Take this and go to bed and try to sleep. I told Hervé that I’d make sure the vide-grenier signs were all in place tonight for the morning. Twenty minutes and I return.’
Obediently, Belinda did as she was told and five minutes later she was sitting up in bed nursing the mug and sipping the rich drink. Sadly, despite the fact she felt emotionally exhausted, sleep didn’t come when she turned off the light and snuggled down under the duvet. Everything Anouk had told her was going round and round in her head, throwing up new questions. Did it matter that her parents had never married? No. Had her dad loved her? Yes, she was sure he did. But why hadn’t he kept in touch with her? Why hadn’t he divorced Helena? Surely the five-year separation rule came into force here? Why had her mum turned on her dad and run away? Why? Why? Why? The questions kept coming. It was 3 a.m. when Belinda admitted to herself that if she wanted answers to at least some of her questions, as selfish as it probably was, she needed to visit her father before