did you think?”
“I thought we had a chance, Dale. Don’t you get it? I like sex, okay? I like it a lot, and I’ve had a lot of it. But I never got serious with anyone I had sex with because it was only sex on both sides. But you… It’s different with you. It means more. It’s not just physical. It’s… It’s…”
“What is it, exactly?”
“It’s emotional. I love you, Dale. I love you so much. And I… Damn! I just want things to be the way they were.”
I stop then. The way they were? Nothing has really changed. It’s never been perfect with Dale. Perfect would be a relationship without an end in sight, not one confined to two months.
“Things change, Ash,” he says finally. “The fire…”
“I know, babe, and I’m so sorry.” I walk toward him tentatively. “But—”
“Please.” He gestures with his hands as he interrupts me. “Don’t tell me how good I have it. Don’t lecture me on Steel privilege. Don’t tell me the Pikes got hit worse. And don’t tell me I’m self-absorbed. I can’t take it right now.”
I drop my mouth open. I have no words.
“There are things about me—things I hide deep inside—that will never change. That I’ll never heal from. Things that have nothing to do with the fire or the Syrah.”
I reach toward him, but he backs away, shaking his head.
“Don’t ask me to open up. I can’t.”
Jade’s voice haunts me from within. Don’t push.
What don’t I know? Something before the adoption. It has to be. But what?
Something terrible. Worse than growing up without a home? Worse than going to bed cold and hungry? Worse than… Worse than being raped and left pregnant?
My God, I can’t go there. Not Dale. Not my Dale.
“All I want is to be here for you,” I say softly. “Anything else is up to you.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Dale
Surprising.
Ashley doesn’t ask me to elaborate.
Not that I would, but why doesn’t she ask?
She claims to love me yet doesn’t ask about my background?
Odd.
Do I trust in her love?
Do I trust she had no intention of hooking up with the Texans?
She smiled and jumped off her chair when I showed up. She threw herself into my arms.
Yes, she was happy to see me.
And as usual, I ruined it.
I can’t ruin this anymore. It’s not a matter of trusting Ashley. In my heart, I know she’d never be unfaithful to me. Sure, seeing her between two men who clearly wanted to get into her pants pissed me off, but not because I doubt her.
Because I doubt myself.
I doubt my own ability to make her happy. To be what she deserves. Hell, I don’t just doubt. I fucking know. I know she deserves a hell of a lot better than what I’m capable of giving.
I sigh.
Maybe it’s time to put that to bed.
I trust her, so I need to trust myself.
Give myself the gift that she’s given me. Complete trust.
There’s a reason I haven’t made a bigger commitment, and it’s not because my love for her isn’t enough.
My love for her is infinite. All-consuming. Never-ceasing.
It’s my love for myself that fails.
Ashley called me self-absorbed recently, and she was right.
But self-absorption is far from self-love.
I need less of the former and more of the latter.
It’s time to start now.
Ashley deserves all of me.
And so do I.
But I…
No. I will not go there. Not tonight. Tonight, I’m going to love Ashley enough to love myself.
I cup her soft cheek, thumbing her satin flesh. “I love you.”
“I know,” she says softly. “I love you too.”
“I want to be the man you deserve.”
“You are, Dale. The only one who doesn’t know that is you.”
Amazing how she knows exactly what I’m thinking sometimes.
“I want to take you somewhere tomorrow,” I say.
“Of course. But I need to be back in time for my mother’s wedding. It’ll be sometime in the evening.”
“Of course. We won’t go far.”
“Then it’s a date.” She smiles.
And my love for her triples, quadruples. But how can something quadruple if it’s already infinite?
Then I remember trig class in high school, how some infinities are larger than others. Makes no sense, logically. I was the guy who simply learned the mathematical rules and applied them. I didn’t care whether they made sense.
I get it now. I truly see.
“Can we please go to bed now?” Ashley pleads. “I’ve missed you.”
“You’ve been gone ten hours,” I say.
“A minute is too long to be away from you.” She wraps her arms around my neck. “I wanted you to come with me.