fucking for less than a year, but it doesn’t take long to make a baby, and I bet the asshole still has it in him. Zara’s only twenty-five, and she’ll probably want kids.
“I’m not pregnant.”
“Thank God for that.”
“Your dad proposed.” She says it so bluntly it causes me to freeze. It hits me a little harder than I expect.
“And?”
“And I said yes.”
“Fuck, it’s a little fast, don’t you think?” I snap.
“No, I don’t.”
“You look like a gold digger.”
There’s silence on the line, and maybe she’s trying to gauge whether or not I’m kidding, and fuck, so am I.
“I knew you were going to be an asshole about it,” she mutters. “He didn’t want me to call because he knew you were going to be like this.”
“Maybe because I fucked you first. Because you were mine first.” I’m shouting now, to the point where Ellis is now standing in the doorway, and I wish he’d leave. I already know how he feels about the whole situation with my dad and Zara and his judgment is the last fucking thing I need right now.
“I thought we were over this!” she shouts, and I hear the shake in her voice.
“Oh, trust me, I’m over it. I’ve moved on, Zara. Very fucking moved on.” I throw my phone across the room, but it’s not enough.
“You okay?” he asks, staying in the doorway.
“I’m fine,” I mutter, getting up and dressing quickly. Why do I give a shit if they’re getting married? Good for them. This is what I wanted for her.
It feels like too much too fast. Ellis telling me he’s staying for me, and now this. She’s marrying him. I’m such a fucking idiot. I told her I loved her, and she’s marrying him. She lied to me when she told me she loved me.
A bout of tunnel vision hits me as Ellis steps toward me. “Hey, want a drink?” He touches my arm and I quickly swat him away.
“We’re not a fucking couple,” I snap, and he flinches, taking his hand away. “You keep acting like this is a relationship or something, and it’s not. If your contract is up, then go. I don’t care. I’m not asking you to stay for me.”
He doesn’t say anything. That’s the worst fucking part. He just stands there and takes it, letting me pummel him with words that mean nothing to me. Pretending he means nothing to me, but I’m not doing this again. I’m not going to be such a fucking idiot for someone else, spill my heart and say words like “I love you” when the other person doesn’t give a shit about me.
“Who was that?” he asks. “Was that her? You’re being an asshole to me because your ex-girlfriend called?”
“This is just how I am, Ellis. You should know that by now. I’m not cut out for long-term. And this…” I say gesturing between us. “This shit has reached its expiration date.”
“You want to fuck other people? Then fuck other people.”
“I used to look up to you. Fuck, I thought you were a God, but now I get it, Ellis. You just need someone to worship you. And you got in my fucking head, had me thinking I liked this shit.”
Storming out of the room, my heart is pounding in my ears. Somewhere in the back of my head I’m thinking, this is salvageable. And maybe I don’t want it to be salvageable. He’s hot on my heels, quick to reply, “You seemed to really like this shit while I was blowing you.”
I’m too hot, too angry, too destructive, and I react on instinct, swinging around and throwing my fist at his face. Making contact, feeling his cheekbone under my fist, breaks me. But not as much as the words that fly out of my mouth. “I’m not a fucking fag like you.”
His brown eyes stay trained on me, wide and angry as I tear open the front door and leave his apartment for the last time.
The loneliness drops like a bomb, hitting me hard as soon as I’m outside. But at least it’s familiar, comfortable, like coming home and breathing fresh air for the first time. I wasn’t happy with him. I was delusional. I can never let my guard like that again.
28
There’s not a real opportunity to talk to Ellis in the next couple of days. Work consumes us. And he’s giving me a cold shoulder, a defense mechanism, which I understand. Hanna and I haven’t spoken about what we talked