smells so delicious, and I’m anxious to get him undressed as fast as possible. I already miss his kiss. After the day I’ve had, I’m feeling good, uncommonly good. And nothing would top this day more than getting naked with these two.
“This has to be done by Friday. And we’re not even a quarter of the way through.”
Nash looks stressed again. Over the last couple of days, we managed to peel away some of this armor he hides behind, and I realize now it’s his work. Nash buries himself in his work to keep from feeling or thinking things, and I guess I can relate to that.
“Do you think if I took my top off, he’d change his mind?” I ask, whispering to Ellis loud enough for Nash to hear.
“Worth a try,” he replies.
“Don’t even think about it,” Nash barks as Ellis starts fooling with the clasp on the back of my bathing suit.
Just then my phone vibrates on the table, and I pick it up, assuming at first it’ll be another spam call or at the very least, Zara. But when I see my mother’s name on the screen, my blood runs cold.
“You okay?” Ellis asks, noticing my expression.
“I have to take this,” I stammer, jumping up from his lap and rushing to the door. I can’t talk to her in front of them. Once I’m outside, I hit the answer button.
“Hanna!” She bellows, and I freeze. “Was ist falsch mit dir?”
What is wrong with you?
And just like that, I’m a child. No, smaller. I’m reduced to a thing, a small, stupid thing.
“You disappear for two weeks and then I get a call from the bank telling me you put a deposit down on an apartment in the city? Are you stupid?”
“I’m not stupid,” I mumble.
“You don’t have money. You can’t afford this apartment, Hanna. You missed your auditions. Who are you with? Some foolish man, I’m sure. Is he rich? Is he going to pay for your apartment? I’m sure he doesn’t even love you. Why would he? You think because they will sleep with you, they must love you?”
“I have enough saved to pay for my own place.”
“And then what, Hanna? How will you pay your rent? You lost your job dancing because you can’t take care of yourself. You can’t do anything right, Hanna.”
“Mother,” I snap. “I’m getting that fucking apartment and you can’t stop me! I’m not a goddamn child. I’m a grown woman.” It feels so good to stand up to her, something I should have done so long ago, and when I think I have her silenced, she manages to knock me right back down.
“A grown woman? This is how you talk to me after everything I’ve done for you? I raised you by myself. I have given up everything for you. I’m the one who paid for all of those ballet lessons. They were very expensive, Hanna. I’m the one who made you a ballerina. You’d be nothing without me, and now you’re running away from me. So ungrateful.”
I can’t speak. I have nothing to say. No defense. No words to fight her although I’ve rehearsed them in my head a thousand times, all the ways my mother has mistreated me, reduced me, broken me. But now they are all gone.
“I cancelled the deposit on your apartment, Hanna. It’s gone. You need to save that money until you get hired again in another dance company, but until then, you need to be practicing and auditioning, but you’re probably not doing anything. I made you a star, but I couldn’t stop you from being so stupid.”
The line goes dead.
My hands are shaking as I stare down at the blank screen. I want to throw it, but I don’t. Instead, I carry myself on wobbling legs to the guest house. Once inside, I toss the phone against the couch.
I’m such an idiot. I’ve been out here living a fantasy while my life goes to shit. I’m not clearing my head. I’m just ruining my own fucking life.
The room is silent, a deafening silence filled only with the hateful thoughts in my head, the ones reminding me I am not worthy of the fame, the love, the happiness. None of it.
I hate the silence, so I let out a scream, bringing it up from somewhere deep inside, straight from the source. It doesn’t make me feel any better, but it shuts up the voices.
Once the scream is out, I pick up my bag and start