The spirit between us is light as we take off from Del Rey, heading south. If living on the island is like another world, then being on the open ocean, the breeze through my hair and the sun on my skin, is like reaching another plane of existence. I’m sitting up front while the two of them are standing near the wheel. We’re not going super fast, but with the gentle motion of the water beneath us as we glide across the endless blue, I start to feel the weight of everything melt off my shoulders.
Pulling out my phone and for the first time in a long time, I type out a couple lines to a messy nonsensical poem.
Endless blue
World of infinite waves.
A cage and freedom in one.
It feels good to write something, anything. I’ll never share these words, but they belong to me. When it felt like nothing truly did, I had this.
Yesterday, I went into the city with the plan to put a down payment on my own apartment. Ellis helped me look at a few that would work, and something my savings could cover until I figure out what I want to do. It’s a start. I didn’t tell my mother, and aside from ignoring a few of her messages, I haven’t heard from her at all. Being out here, so removed from everything and being rightly distracted by these two men who are pulling me in two different directions, I haven’t even given much thought to how she’s going to react to the news I’m moving out and I’m giving up ballet, forever.
I decided it not long after getting here.
And it feels good to finally accept the decision, but I’m still unsettled. Something is still not right. Almost as if I know once I get back home, she’ll be there, ready to undo all of the confidence I’ve built here. She will tear every ounce of it out of me before I’ve even had a chance to live with it.
When I open my eyes, pulling myself out of these doom-like thoughts, I’m caught by the way Nash is staring at me. Those bright blue eyes are boring into me, and I’m struck by the emotion I feel in his gaze. Or maybe I’m feeling what’s happening in my heart. How since I’ve gotten here and that first night in the guest house, I’ve had to face my feelings for him and how badly I want to bury him in my arms even though all the good sense in my head is telling me how bad of an idea that is.
Nash is toxic, broken, and cruel. He will pull me down with him if I let him, but somewhere in my dumb head I have myself convinced I could love every single one of those things out of him.
And maybe he’s thinking the same thing as we stare at each other.
Next to him, Ellis is looking down at his phone, but I catch the way his eyes lift, and maybe he doesn’t see me staring, but I watch as his gaze locks on Nash. I see the way he absorbs him with his eyes, living in some kind of one-sided love affair and I see what it is he won’t say. I know whatever happened between them was intense, maybe more intense than what happened with Alistair and Zara because Nash isn’t just over Ellis, he’s actively avoiding him.
Ellis never really told me what happened between them, but I think I have a feeling whatever it was, feelings got involved. And if there was sex, Nash must have felt something pretty intense for Ellis because he seems to be struggling with it right now. Whatever it is, they are both terrible at hiding it.
When we pull up to the swimming lagoon about forty-five minutes later, I’m left speechless by the beautiful blue and white alcove of rock and water. Nash drops the anchor as close to the jetty as he can, and I don’t hesitate before diving headfirst into the water. There’s another splash after mine, and I pop out of the water to see Ellis smiling at me, brushing his wet hair out of his face.
We both look up to see Nash still on the boat, looking down at us with a signature Nash scowl, and my face falls for a moment, afraid he’s going to find something to fight with us about, but he doesn’t. Instead, he peels his shirt over