didn’t trust your reasoning.” His hand runs tenderly down my arm. “It wasn’t because I didn’t want to.”
“So, you sleep with women?” I ask out of curiosity.
“And men,” he replies. “Is that a problem?”
“Not at all.” Feeling suddenly a little closer to him, I squeeze him tighter around the chest and feel his head rest at the top of mine.
We lie there for a moment, him still holding me tight against his body and my tears have finally dried. It’s comfortable and quiet, and yet, Nash is still here in this space. I wish he wasn’t. I wish he could let go of me and Ellis could let go of him, but we’ve somehow turned into a vicious little triangle.
“What happened between you two?” I ask, the curiosity overwhelming me.
He clears his throat. “Amsterdam happened.”
I don’t know what that means, but I wait patiently for him to expand on it, and it takes him a moment before he continues. “At first it was fun until it was serious, and when things got serious, Nash panicked. For a short moment in Amsterdam, I actually thought I had found what I needed, but then he broke everything we had built, but it was my fault. I should have known he was still fragile from what happened with his dad.”
“What was it?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“You said you found what you needed. What did you need?”
“Someone who made me want to stop…everything I was doing. Someone who needed me.”
I want to tell him I need him. After only a few days, I do need him, or rather someone like him. But I have a feeling he wants someone else to need him more.
14
Amsterdam
It’s become a bit of a habit, this little thing Ellis and I started with Britta. And now it’s other girls too, tonight a kinky little thing that goes by Lilac. She was here when I came over, sitting on the couch in black leather pants and a bra. That’s it.
I don’t leave Ellis’s apartment often. I’m here after work, on the weekends, and most nights I crash in the guest room or on especially wild nights, in Ellis’s bed with someone between us. It’s quickly starting to feel like work is just this thing that keeps me from my time here. Of course, there are days when there isn’t a fucked up three-way going on. We also have nights when we work, him at his desk, and me on the couch, pouring over manuals and test booklets. I know this shit like the back of my hand, and sometimes I ask myself why I’m even here, but Ellis keeps me grounded.
“Nash, this is Lilac,” he says from the kitchen as he pours a bottle of seltzer water into two glasses, handing one to his guest. I notice he’s not drinking tonight, and I pause.
“Hi,” I mutter, taking in the girl on the sofa. She puts up a hand to greet me, and instantly I have a weird feeling. Like something is different tonight, not a bad feeling…just a feeling.
It’s not like Ellis doesn’t have a line of women waiting for a ride every weekend, but something about this girl is different.
When I get to the kitchen, I give him a sideways glance, and he answers with a smirk, full of fucking secrets and mischief. Yeah, the asshole is up to something. Whatever it is, I’m game. I’m always game. Mostly when it comes to him. If Ellis suggests it, I’ll do it.
Ever since running into him again I feel like everything in my life plan has changed. I can hardly remember the pain I felt six months ago when I got here. Now, I see a new future, and mostly it involves freedom, money, and a lot of fucking sex. If I’m half as confident and happy as Ellis in ten years when I’m his age, I’ll be happy.
“So, Lilac and I have known each other a while,” he says, and I glance over at her. She smiles at him, like they’re in on some kind of joke. A sudden rush of dread and angst passes over me. I hate feeling like the odd man out. I fucking hate it, and Ellis knows this. “When she called me today, I wanted to have her over, but I wanted to include you. She said that was okay.”
“Okay…” I reply. There is never so much formal introduction and it’s starting to make me uncomfortable. It’s usually a scenario of drinking then