“They already left. You’re stuck with me. For a few more days at least.”
It’s silent between us as she watches me with sadness in her eyes. Then she tells me about her apartment and giving the restraining order to her mom and her new job at the restaurant. It feels good…to see her moving on. Living her own life.
“Are you going to see him?” I ask, not because I’m jealous but because I’m just curious. It’s weird that I hope she is. It’s bittersweet, but I want them to be happy, even if that’s without me.
“Not like that.”
“Why not?”
She looks at me like I should know the answer to that question. Rolling onto her back, she drapes an arm over her head. I have to fight the urge to touch her. I want to kiss her so bad it hurts.
“Because he may never be over you enough to date, and he’ll never be over you enough to date me.”
“That’s not true,” I say, leaning on my elbow.
“You think this is what I want? I wish I were wrong, Nash, but he will never be able to look at me without seeing you.”
“Fuck,” I say with an exhale, reclining against the headboard. “What am I supposed to do?”
“Well, have you tried apologizing?”
“For what? Being an asshole? You think after the two times I have fucked him over, saying sorry will make any difference? Would you believe me if I told you I’d really change this time? That I wouldn’t fall apart and go back to my old fucked-up ways next time shit gets hard?”
“But why don’t you lean on us? Open up. Tell us when you’re stuck in your head. Stop punishing us for loving you?”
Raking my fingers through my hair, I let out a loud groan. “I know that now. I’m trying. I promise, but a lot of good that does me now. He would never believe me if I told him that.”
“You should at least try. He might do it against his better judgement, but I believe he would take you back, Nash.”
“Hanna,” I say, looking at her. “I would let him do whatever he wanted to me to make that true. If he wanted me to get on my knees and beg I would. I’d let him…”
My voice trails, my mind latching onto an idea.
“What?” she asks.
I hate to get my hopes up, but my mind immediately goes back to a moment three years ago when it felt like Ellis offered me everything I ever wanted. Control over him, the opportunity to make him completely mine.
It was a moment so simple yet so powerful, to be handed his trust so complicitly. Am I crazy to think if I offered him that right now, he’d consider taking me back? Isn’t that what he always wanted, my complete trust. To have me so vulnerable in his hands that he could own me without question.
There’s only one way to find out.
35
My hands are shaking as we get out of the car in front of his building. In classic Ellis style, it’s sleek, expensive, but not intimidating. Stopping in front of the door, I start to panic. Maybe this is a bad idea. What if he has someone over? What if he’s already moved on? What if…it doesn’t work?
No, it has to work. This is all I have left. I have no idea where to go after this if it doesn’t.
Hanna sends the doorman a charming smile and tells him we’re here to see Mr. Prior on business. His eyes linger on her a moment too long as he makes a call up to the apartment, and I stand there shaking in my shoes. When he tells Ellis over the phone it’s Ms. Thurber, he smiles. Leaving my name out is a good idea.
“Penthouse,” the doorman says, pointing to the metallic, shining door of the elevator.
With one push of the button, we’re headed up. Hanna clings to my arm. “It’s going to be okay.”
Then the door chimes, opening to a grand entryway that leads to a large living room on the left and a marble white kitchen on the right. He’s waltzing toward us from a room off the side I recognize as his office when he sees me and freezes.
“What the hell is this?” he asks.
In my periphery, I see her bite her lip. “Go on, Nash.”
Here I fucking go.
“I know you don’t give a shit about apologies at this point—”