bad that killed me. And I can see by the look in your eye now this isn’t what you really want. What you really want is to have someone who will protect you when you finally let go of all of this anger and misery you’ve trapped yourself in. I tried to be that person for you…fuck, I wanted it so bad, but I can’t keep letting you break my heart just to protect yours.
“So, you can feed me all the bullshit you want about Zara and your dad and continue blaming the world for your issues, but I won’t be around for it anymore.”
This close, I can see the moisture in his eyes, the raw emotion because Ellis is always so pure. There are no lies or deceptions with him. So, when his eyes brim with tears, falling over his cheeks, I feel them like stones in my heart.
“Goodbye, Nash.”
And just like that, his hand leaves my chest and the warmth of his body pressed so closely to mine is gone.
I did it. I did what I set out to do which was keep my heart guarded and my head focused on work and the things that really matter. And when he packs his bags and stands by the helicopter a few hours later ready to catch a ride back to the city for good, I remind myself this is what I wanted. What I need.
For the fucking life of me, I can’t remember why.
Something about how pathetic I am and how I don’t have time for relationships, but it all feels so forced now. My wall is fading away, so when I watch Hanna squeeze him with her face shoved against his chest, her back shuddering with sobs, I lose the will to fight anymore. She goes to her room where she stays for the rest of the day.
And Ellis gets on the helicopter, and he lets it take him far from here. I pushed him to do that. I might as well be the one in the cockpit flying the helicopter separating us.
32
I should have known it was all a dream. Did I really expect this island paradise to be real or for any of it to actually work out?
For a moment, I did. For a few brief seconds, I actually believed good things would just fall into my lap, but that’s not how it works.
Since the only reasonable place for me to live outside of Del Rey is my mother’s house, I decide to stay behind when Ellis leaves. Hugging him goodbye, seeing the despair and anger on his face still haunts me. He looks broken, and I don’t blame him.
Nash Wilde breaks people. It’s what he does. I had all the red flags, and I knew enough about him before coming here, but he got under my skin. When he took down the mask, I saw the vulnerable boy beneath, and I gave in to my urge to heal and nurture him. What I really ended up doing was falling in love with him, with us, with everything, and it was stupid.
So fucking stupid.
Because Nash’s walls are back up, and Ellis is gone.
Every day this week I’ve spent on the mainland, in the city, doing everything that needs to be done in order for me to start over. A new apartment, not as nice or as expensive as the last one. Renting of course because trying to put a down payment is clearly out of the question.
The second order of business, and this one took a lot less time than I expected it to, was finding work, real work. Zara offered me a teaching position at the studio, and this time I actually took it even though it won’t pay the bills by itself, which brought me to La Folie, an upscale bistro on the main drag of the city where the manager took one look at me and offered me an immediate interview.
After a couple of days, I was offered a position as a server, and swallowing my pride, I took it. Almost immediately, I felt a little freer. I’m starting a new life, which means dreams won’t fall into my lap. If I’m going to do this, I’m going to have to climb my way there.
The last thing on my list is in a manilla envelope sitting on my lap on the metro ride across town. The entire ride over, I write verses in my head, trying to calm my erratic brain. Of