Foundations - Kate Canterbary Page 0,2

saddle. We didn't have time to do both. This morning was not our own but the evening offered a range of possibilities.

"I want to go out tonight, just the two of us," I said. "And I don't mean out for coffee or salads like usual. I'm talking about an actual restaurant where we sit down and then place our order."

Our current rendition of date night involved a midday trip to Starbucks or Sweetgreen while Maddie napped. It was a tiny tragedy but it had been all we could manage at first. I didn't like leaving the baby for long and until now, I hadn't felt capable of putting myself together for the evenings-out scene. I was good with athleisure wear and forgiving summer dresses but anything beyond those pushed my limits. And my energy.

But that ended here. I was putting on real, non-maternity clothes. A nice pair of panties and a bra too, and not one of those breakaway nursing getups. I was washing and blow-drying my hair. A full face of makeup. I wasn't stopping at tinted moisturizer and lip balm. No, I was going all the way to contoured cheeks and shaped eyebrows.

And I was seducing my husband tonight if it was the last thing I did.

I tipped my chin up, fortifying myself in this course of action. "I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind watching the baby."

"Okay," he replied. "And then you'll tell me what's bothering you?"

I reached for him, urging him closer—come closer closer get on me closer—until he kneeled between my legs and braced himself over me. I knew he wasn't going to give me his weight, not even if I asked. He had it in his head that I was going to shatter and nothing I did changed his mind.

"I miss you," I confessed, gazing up at him. His brows knit together. A frown tugged his lips down. He didn't understand. "I miss you and I want to spend some time with you. That's all."

"I miss you too." He leaned down, dropped a kiss on my forehead. Everything inside me clenched at the pure sweetness of that one kiss but there was no pleasure in clenching around nothing. "You talk to your parents. I'll make reservations." He traced a line from my brows down my nose. "Do you want to see a movie or do anything in addition to dinner?"

I shook my head. If it meant getting time together, we could sit in the car in an empty parking lot. We didn't need any distractions. "If we're watching a movie, I'd rather do it in bed with you."

Where I can get my hand down your pants without breaking any public decency laws.

"Okay. I have to meet Patrick to walk through some properties but I'll make the plans." He sealed the promise with another forehead kiss. "I wish you'd tell me what's wrong."

"Isn't missing you enough?" I asked.

"Yeah but," he replied, his voice trailing off. "I'm right here. Like always."

I nodded but couldn't gather the right words to explain my struggle to find my way in this new version of us. Maybe I was the only one struggling. Maybe I was the only one missing the people we used to be together.

"Are you worried about going back to school?" he asked. "It's all right if you need more time. Don't rush it. Like I've said a hundred times, you don't have to go back until you're ready. I don't want you pushing yourself."

Of all the complicated questions, he had to ask that one. I was scheduled to return to school in one week, starting off with mornings and then transitioning to full days. This was the first time in more than a decade where I'd missed the first day, the first month, and most of the first quarter of school.

And I couldn't find an ounce of regret.

I'd planned for my maternity leave. Of course I had. If there was one thing I did to an obnoxious degree, it was planning. But even though I'd positioned my co-deans Drew and Tara to run the school flawlessly, I'd struggled to imagine myself not being there. In the months leading up to Maddie's birth, I wasn't certain I'd actually stay away. Through it all, I assumed I'd return early. Three months seemed like an eternity and I knew my parents were coming to help and Matthew was taking time off and my sisters-in-law were always there for me and—and I'd just go back to work when school started in