How? He’d had a brief conversation with Robbie just yesterday and nothing seemed to be amiss. How could he not have foreseen this? He kicked himself for having been so intent upon Esther in recent weeks that he failed to notice any warning signs. He had counseled suicidal men before and once, at Northfield, a colleague’s patient had used a razor blade in the bath, but this was the first time someone under his care had chosen to end his life.
After a while, he turned away and retraced his steps. There was nothing more he could do for Robbie, at least not in this moment, but he hoped, at least, to comfort Esther.
He found her where he’d left her, sunk to her knees and oblivious to the seeping damp. She was still shaking, her body quivering and her teeth chattering.
“We should return to the house.”
She looked up at him with fear in her eyes. “I should have known. He tried to tell me,” she said. “Last week, on the beach.”
“Tell you what?”
“That he was in love with George.”
Richard remembered a conversation he’d had with George just before his visit to the mainland. He had spoken of contemplating suicide while he was a soldier. “I had been living in such bitter cold and was utterly miserable,” George said. “I got to the point where I didn’t really care what happened to me. One day I was cleaning my gun and the thought floated to me—a click of the safety, a tug of the trigger, and it would all be over. Blissful escape. My fingers were trembling as I forced myself to put the safety catch back on. I didn’t want to kill myself, at least I don’t think so, but after that I was afraid. Afraid that I was going to do it on impulse, and that if I did that, I’d be letting everyone down, especially my men.” Richard had warned Jean to keep a close eye on George while he was away, but it hadn’t occurred to him to worry about Robbie.
He had believed the man was making solid progress and would have been ready to return to the mainland within weeks. In fact, they had discussed just the day before what his life might be like when he left Embers and Richard had confirmed that Robbie’s time on the island was drawing to a close. Could that have been the trigger?
Richard put his head in his hands.
The police would have to be summoned; his practice would be scrutinized, perhaps even suspended, but he didn’t have time to worry about that now. His first concern was for Esther and his other patients. He could well imagine the effect on them, that months of recovery might be lost as they were plunged into uncertainty and their own private despair again. Suicide would have a devastating effect on all of them, but George would take the news especially hard.
“Come on, darling, let’s get back to the house.” He held a hand out to Esther and helped her up.
Chapter Forty-Three
London and St. Mary’s, Spring 2018
His name was—is—Richard Creswell.” Esther’s voice shook as she said the name, as if it was one she’d not allowed herself to say for the longest time. “He was the doctor at Embers. We didn’t mean to fall in love. We were the best of friends . . .”
“But he was your doctor. You were his patient. You were ill, vulnerable,” Eve interrupted, a look of astonishment on her face. “And you had been committed by your husband.”
“Don’t judge me, Eve,” said Esther. “Not without knowing how it was. To begin with I was as angry as you. I couldn’t fathom that John would send me away, away from Teddy and my home, without my consent. But it wasn’t as black and white as that—”
“But—” Eve interrupted again.
“Let me finish, darling. And please . . . I’ve judged myself harshly enough.”
Eve bit her lip, chastened.
“We were the best of friends. We talked. I mean really talked. About politics and psychology, music, art, literature . . . and he listened, valued my opinion. Do you know how rare that was in my day? Well, it was, let me tell you. He saw me as more than a housewife, more than a mother. It was incredibly attractive. I suppose I was vulnerable, but it wasn’t like that. He saw me, me, exactly who I was and who I could be.”
“So what happened?” Eve asked.
“I got better and I came home.