was so intense that he had observed, with some amusement, that he was practically stalking her in his attempt to stay close to her. He hated every moment of separation when night finally came and he was sent out, because he viscerally knew that it hadn’t been that way before. He was certain that he had held her close to him throughout the night. Unlike his brief affairs since he cast Alseida aside, the thought of having a female to hold close didn’t feel him with dread or make his muscles tighten with wariness.
Perhaps because it was never clearer that she made no pretenses to entice or manipulate him. She didn’t pretend to be anything other than who she wholly was. In that he found Diana to be crudely playful and possessing a stubbornness that rivaled his own. His lips twisted as he recalled their standoffs. Even when he was at his worst, she did not quake or break before him. She didn’t hesitate to stand up to him even if it led to an uncomfortable impasse. That direct honesty sparked adoration within him, so it was natural that he instinctively sought to cleave to her.
Logically he knew that it was building on foundations started, locked away in the depths of his memory. If he ever wanted to enjoy that again or perhaps find his memories of her, he would need to relearn everything that his lack of wisdom had caused him to forget.
He desperately wanted to remember. It pained him that when he allowed himself to slumber, he was haunted by her, and fragments of what he suspected were memories faded before he woke. Whatever the visions were, he woke hard and aching, his heart breaking from the void within his soul where his bonded mate would have glowed within him. He finally understood what Dorinda had been speaking of when it came to light, and what the Gatekeeper’s mate had been to him—Diana’s presence was the only thing that brought light within him. She was his light… Without her, he was filled with a dark emptiness, eternally alone. He needed her, and not to destroy Cacus. He needed her to be whole.
He just didn’t know how to bridge the distance between them that his mistakes had carved. Sometimes she looked at him and he got the vaguest impression of what it might have once been. To be able to freely touch, her affection raining down on him. Without that, his life felt colorless, though he strived to recapture his bond through every experience he enjoyed with his uxorem, every doubt that tormented his mind vanquished.
Selvans knew that many of his doubts were rooted in his poor experience with Alseida. It didn’t take him long through casually watching her and spending time with her to realize that she was far from sharing any similarity with the dryad. Alseida never enjoyed his company unless they were fucking, and she could enjoy the flavor of his passion. She had used him to get what she wanted.
He was not innocent in it, either. He had used her as well by taking her as his consort for some semblance of comfort when he knew that she was not his bonded. He had chosen to ignore her jealous nature when he took her to his bed. Because of that, he was partly responsible for her fate. She had returned to the palace rather than moving on and had died for her effort. She never would have accepted Diana as ati. Her behavior proved what he had known and ignored of her nature. She would have done anything to destroy her rival.
He glanced up at where Diana sat in her chair. “Alseida let Cacus into the palace, didn’t she?” he asked, disgust lacing his voice.
Diana jerked in surprise. Her lips pressed together, but she gave him an uncertain smile as she set down her book. The sadness and relief in her eyes made his heart lurch. He knew that she was remembering the terrible words he’d spoken when he had suspected her. How could he not have seen this then? How had he been so blind to the truth? He had been cruel and short-sighted. No wonder she had been hurt so badly and had been so angry with him.
“Yes, it was Alseida,” she said, a long sigh parting from her lips as she sank back into her chair, her eyes staring off, looking back into her memories. “She tried to kill us in the