Football and Ballet - Jason Collins Page 0,48
know my own limits?”
“I just think you’re fighting the inevitable.”
“The inevitable?”
“You can’t… be a dancer forever, Patrick,” I murmured. “And especially not the lead.”
“What did you just say to me?”
“I said, you can’t be a dancer forever—”
“Where the hell do you get off, Hunter Perry?” Patrick moved away from the barre, his steps leading him right over to me. “Do you have any idea how controlling you are?”
“Really? I’m controlling because I care about you pushing your body over the edge?”
“No! You’re controlling because you’re controlling.” Patrick scoffed. “You always have an opinion about the way I work out and the way I eat. And now, you even have an opinion on whether or not I’m supposed to keep dancing?”
“I just think you shouldn’t push yourself to a place you can’t come back from—”
“What makes you think I can’t come back from it?” Patrick pressed. “Tell me, Hunter, what makes you so unbearably unsupportive? Do you just not like it when someone else gets even the tiniest bit of attention?”
“You know that’s not true, Patrick.”
“Then, what is it?”
I care about you, Patrick.
I care about you more than anyone or anything I’ve cared about in a long time.
“I just…” I sighed, annoyed at my own inability to admit the truth. “It’s complicated.”
“It’s complicated…” Patrick repeated before he nodded toward the gym door. “You should go.”
“No.”
“No?”
“No, I’m not going to let you kick me out again just because I’m telling you something that you don’t want to hear,” I went on. “You have to listen to me, Patrick. I’m just trying to tell you what’s best for you—”
“Yeah, I know that’s what you’re trying to do. I meant it when I called you controlling.” Patrick crossed his arms over his chest. “Seriously. Leave. We don’t have anything else to talk about.”
“Why can’t you even consider for a moment that maybe what I’m saying is coming from a good place?”
“Don’t you have a sneaker deal to go check on?” Patrick’s words were dripping with venom. “Or I don’t know. Maybe you should check in with your girlfriend?”
“Patrick, you know that’s not fair—”
“You know what else isn’t fair? My dance company expecting me to take the lead in one of the hardest ballets ever performed when I’m already eight years into my residency,” Patrick sniped. “But that’s what’s going on. So, instead of standing here arguing about whether or not I’m pushing myself too hard, I’m going to get back to doing what needs to get done so I don’t lose my spot this year.”
“Patrick—”
“Leave, Hunter,” Patrick instructed as he turned away from me, already heading back to the barre.
“Are you all right, son?” Lou asked, eyeing me up and down in the middle of the field. “You’ve missed every other pass you’ve thrown today.”
I was still technically benched, but Lou seemed to have been feeling generous today, since he’d let me back onto the field for proper practice with the rest of the team. Although, honestly, after my fight with Patrick this morning, I wasn’t really in the right headspace for practice, let alone expressing any sort of camaraderie with the guys around me.
All I was able to think about was Patrick’s coldness, the way he’d turned away from me like he’d already written me off.
And for all I knew, maybe he’d done just that.
“Shit.” I let out an exasperated sigh. “Sorry, Coach. I knew I was a little out of it, but I didn’t think I was doing that bad. I mean, usually when I’m fucking up on that level, you scream at me at least once—”
“Yeah, I didn’t feel like screaming at you today,” Lou interrupted. “You seem like your head is somewhere else. Wasn’t sure screaming would do anything other than fuck up my vocal cords.”
“Sorry, Coach,” I apologized again.
“It’s okay.” Lou nodded before he went on. “Just tell me what’s going on up there. I’ve come a long way since we first met, but I still haven’t developed the ability to read minds.”
“I’m just… having problems at home,” I replied, carefully choosing my words.
“Is that code for girl trouble?”
“…Yes.” It wasn’t the full truth, but in that moment girl trouble felt like the closest I was ever going to get to coming out to Lou or anyone else on the team.
“Did you cheat?” Lou asked, already shaking his head. “Because if you cheated, your options are pretty limited and they’re all pretty damn expensive, too.”
“No. I’d never cheat on her. I’d never cheat on anyone.”
“Fine. How’d you screw up