I feel like a heavy load has been lifted from me. At least now I can mention Jamie, acknowledge that he existed. Another man may not have reacted the way Conor did, with kindness, sympathy and hugs. You’re a very special man, Conor Caldwell. I wish I could tell you what really happened.
I wonder what Amanda will say when she finds out Conor knows about Jamie, that he’s known for some time. It was Amanda who convinced me never to mention the baby to him. There was no need for him to know. What difference would it make? she said.
But it did make a difference. It made a difference to me when I looked Conor in the eye and told him I loved him. It made a difference when we both walked down the aisle side-by-side, waving and smiling, the question niggling at the back of my head: would he still want me if he knew the truth? Now it’s out there – some of it – and he still wants me.
‘Things are looking up, Shay,’ I say, sitting up to grab my phone.
Maggie still loves me
I text Conor adding a laughing emoji.
She’s calling in at lunchtime xx
I’m lifting Shay in my arms when the phone beeps. Glancing down to where it’s lying on the bed, I see a big red heart. All is good.
Even the sun is showing its support. I can see it breaking through the clouds when I look out the window.
‘We’ll go for a big walk today, Shay. Mammy will take you down to the village and listen to all the nice people saying what a great party it was.’
A few minutes later, I hear the bang of the front door closing. The cleaners have finally left. The house is mine again. With Shay in my arms, I go downstairs and place him in his crib. The house looks spotless. The only sign that a party has taken place is the heap of presents on the kitchen table. And cards. There are lots of cards. My heart sinks when I look at them.
Chapter Fifty
The presents are wrapped to within one inch of winning a competition. Bows, ribbons, bouncing stars, engraved bunnies, whites, silvers, blues. I’m surprised to see such a variety considering there is only one shop in the village that sells the stuff. Molly’s Books and Cards.
Pulling the smallest and prettiest one from the pile, I tug carefully on the ribbon. The box inside the wrapping paper holds a small silver hairbrush with Shay’s name engraved on it. Immediately, I take it to the crib and run the soft brushes across Shay’s solo patch of black hair. Already, I notice a change in him. He’s beginning to look like his daddy.
Happy with my little boy’s first hairdo, I go back to open the card. I’ll have to remember who gave what because Maggie is going to ask me. The card is sitting on the table. A blue envelope with a bunch of little balloons printed on the corner. My mind flashes back to the dreadful card I opened the night I came back from the hospital. I’m not expecting any of them to say Conor killed Vicky but what if one does? What if this is not over? My eyes begin to blur at the sight of all the possible danger wrapped in pretty envelopes. I don’t want to open them. I’ll wait until Maggie gets here. But that would be worse. What if she opened a card that accused Conor of being a murderer? Christ. If someone was bad enough to send the card the first time round they could easily do it again. Maybe hoping for more of a reaction this time. My mind flashes to all the faces that filled this room yesterday. Smiling, drinking my drink, eating my food. Was it one of them? And Olive, I’d love to know what she said to Noel to knock him off his pedestal. He became very quiet after that. No longer peacocking his godfather role.
My hands shake as I rip through every envelope until each card is opened. Thankfully, there are no more accusations, only congratulations. I feel my heartbeat return to normal and place the cards standing up on the table.
A wave of tiredness washes over me. It’s hard work being a nervous wreck, so I lie down on the sofa and close my eyes. The sound of the birds’ song travels in through the open window. It’s a beautiful sound, a