The sadness he expressed when telling me about his father’s accident almost broke my heart. The harrowing expression in his eyes, the pain oozing from every word he said, had me in tears. And then it was my turn. I told him about the accident with baby Jamie. It wasn’t the whole truth. It’s impossible to tell the whole truth.
The clatter of the cleaners downstairs travels up to the room. Conor had arranged for them to come first thing this morning to get the place back into shape, so I wouldn’t have to do it. At the time, I’d thought it was a bit over the top but now I’m glad. I don’t think I could have faced cleaning up the mess.
‘Hi Shay,’ I whisper softly. ‘What would you like to do today? Sit and relax with Mammy, watch a bit of Netflix?’
Lifting Shay in my arms, I go to the window and watch the clouds gather in the sky. We were lucky yesterday. It never rained and it stayed warm enough for us to utilise the garden. The younger crowd, who had gathered on the decking, were able to stay out there for most of the day. I’m disappointed I didn’t get to enjoy their company, anchor a few friendships. The opportunity doesn’t arrive very often for me.
My phone rings. It’s Conor. He left for work about an hour ago saying he’d be home early today. He didn’t think he’d last too long in work after the late night but he did have a few things to do.
‘Hi,’ I say, lifting the phone to my ear.
‘How are you?’
‘I’m fine, Shay’s eyes are following me… do you know it’s your daddy on the phone?’
‘Is he okay?’
‘Yes, he’s great.’
Conor doesn’t normally ring this early. Is he afraid? Does he think I can’t take care of Shay, that he’ll have to keep checking in on me?
‘Is everything okay?’ I say.
‘Yes, I was just wondering if you rang Mam yet?’
‘Oh.’ So that’s it. Conor isn’t worried about my mothering skills, it’s my bridge-building skills he’s checking up on.
‘I was going to wait until the cleaners left, but if you want me to do it now…’
‘Whatever, no big deal, give me a ring when you’ve spoken to her.’
When he hangs up I start to feel nervous. When someone says something isn’t a big deal, it usually is. Did I really upset her that much? I know I need to thank her, she really did do a fabulous job and I did promise Conor last night that I’d tell her I was sorry for leaving the party early. Keep the peace.
‘Shay let’s get this over with,’ I say, lying him down in the middle of the bed where his eyes investigate the glass ceiling above him. I dial Maggie’s number. She answers straight away.
‘Well, good morning,’ she says, her voice full of energy.
‘Hi Maggie, how are you?’
‘I’m great. It was a great day, everyone said so.’
‘I know and I want to thank you for making Shay’s day so special.’
‘You’re very welcome, Laura, I’m glad you liked everything. Helen said it was one of the nicest events she’s been to in years…’ Maggie carries on telling me how everyone loved the day. Maybe she’s forgotten all about my early exit. Conor might have been overreacting, asking me to apologise.
‘And yourself,’ she says. ‘Did you enjoy yourself?’
‘I did Maggie. I’m sorry I fell asleep without saying goodbye but I only planned on lying down for a few minutes.’
‘Oh, don’t worry about that. Sure, you’re only after giving birth to a baby, Laura. You did great to last as long as you did. You should rest today. How is little Shay?’
This doesn’t sound like a woman who’s annoyed with me. Was Conor exaggerating her comment or did Maggie mute her anger when she received all the praise for putting on such a great event? Whichever it is, I’m off the hook.
‘He’s great. Are you coming over later to see all the lovely presents we got?’
‘I’d love to Laura, thank you. I’ll be over around lunchtime.’
* * *
After I hang up the phone, I lie beside Shay on the bed and place my hand on his tummy. Gently, I roll him from side to side. I think of Jamie, how I never really took time like this with him. I loved him but I was young and stupid; I thought I was missing out on something better.