the priest has left, Maggie passes us both and walks back into the crowd.
‘Laura, are you okay?’ Conor says, leaning in and taking my arm.
I say nothing. I find myself staring at him. I don’t know what to say. I realise I barely know this man. Every day I seem to learn something new about him. And now, he has this big secret that he never told me about.
‘It’s probably the drink,’ he says, watering down his comment with something about my system not being used to a lot of alcohol anymore.
I want to tell him that I know. That there’s no need to hide it from me. That I have a secret too. I want to tell him it’s okay, accidents happen, but Conor is leading me up the stairs, suggesting I lie down for a little while. I think I will.
Up in the bedroom, Amanda tells me Shay has just been fed and should be okay for another few hours. He’s asleep. She hugs me and tells me she’s going downstairs to say her goodbyes. I want to tell her what just happened, but my head is spinning and I don’t know where to begin. Plus, the bed looks so inviting.
‘You’ve had too much to drink,’ she says, telling me to lie down. I do as I’m told. Amanda takes my shoes off and pulls a throw over me.
I lie still. Numb from drink… from shock… from life. I close my eyes.
Chapter Forty-Seven
What time is it? The sky is dark above my head when I wake up. For a moment I can’t remember where I am. My head is thumping. Shay? I jump out of the bed and rush over to the cot. Shay is asleep. His tiny lips slightly open. I’m leaning in to feel the warmth of his breath against my face, when the noise from downstairs disturbs the peace.
Laughter and drunk voices. I think it’s coming from the hallway. People must be leaving. Shit, how long have I been asleep? I’ve missed my own party. What will people think? What will Maggie think?
I switch on the light and look at the monster staring back at me in the mirror. Good Jesus, what did I drink? I pull a makeup wipe from the packet on the dressing table and try to remove the black rings around my eyes. My hair looks like it fell victim to a cyclone. What the hell happened? I’m never drinking that much again. And then it crashes into me. The memory, my conversation with Deirdre. The accident.
When I hear the loud cheery voices disappear down the driveway, I step out of the bedroom and listen. It would appear there is no one else left. I can’t hear anyone, only Conor clinking a few glasses. Is he cleaning up? Why is he not pissed like me?
The carpet feels soft below my bare feet. I slowly step down the stairs to where Conor is gathering some rubbish off the floor. My head is thumping and my mouth is dry. Will he give out?
He hasn’t seen me yet. I watch him closely. Poor Conor, what a nightmare he’s gone through with his father’s death and yet he still manages to be upbeat and helpful to everyone. I want to hug him, tell him that I know what happened but as I make my way towards him he turns and sees me. He jumps.
‘For fuck’s sake, Laura, you scared the life out of me.’
‘Sorry. I just needed some water.’
Conor is holding his chest.
‘What time is it?’ I say, looking to the big brass clock that hangs on the wall by the door. ‘Eleven thirty… Gosh, that went on longer than expected, how long did your mother stay?’
‘She waited until nine but you didn’t resurface, and when I went to get you, you were out cold. Then she left with Helen… you can ring her in the morning, it’s too late now.’
My hand is holding a glass under the filtered water tap. ‘Why does she want me to ring her?’ I say.
‘Ah, just ring her and say sorry, explain you haven’t had much drink lately and…’
I turn around to look at Conor. Is he joking? He continues to fill the black bag he’s dragging across the floor. There are paper plates full of half-eaten christening cake, plastic glasses that were only there as a back-up in case we ran out of real glasses and empty bottles among the debris. The wood that covers most of the