They’re here for Pat. Does Pat know something? Did Pat kill Vicky?
Conor’s phone is engaged when I call it, so I send him a text message telling him the cops are looking for Pat. No need to come home. Taking deep breaths, I flop down onto the bed and close my eyes. No sooner has my body relaxed, when the doorbell rings.
The nurse walks in, all smiles. She doesn’t comment on the police vehicle parked beside her Nissan.
‘I’m a bit early, Laura. I hope I haven’t come at a bad time.’
‘No, it’s fine.’ Shay is in my arms. I’m flustered and unprepared. My face is probably white, or green from the shock. For a brief moment I thought the cops were here to arrest Conor, especially after overhearing the conversation he had with Fintan the other day. My nerves are still rattled. The last thing I need now is this nurse asking me questions.
‘Okay,’ she says. ‘Where would you like me to go?’
‘Oh, we’ll go in here.’
I direct her into the front room. I don’t want the cops in my view, to be reminded of the card, the photo, Vicky’s coffin coming up the aisle.
‘Are you okay?’ she says, gently placing her hand on my shoulder. The sudden caring gesture ignites my vulnerability and I start to cry. Full-on crying, like a baby… like Shay.
‘Here, let me hold the baby. You sit down,’ she says, taking Shay from my grip.
‘I’m sorry, I just got a fright earlier and I feel a bit…’
‘That’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?’
Do I want to talk about it? That for a brief moment this morning I thought the cops were here to arrest my husband? That my whole life flashed in front of me? That every doubt I ever had had become a reality, a quick preview of my very own hell? Do I want to talk about it?
‘No.’
‘Well if you change your mind, Laura, I’m here. Can I get you some water?’
‘No, I’m fine really, it was nothing. I’m just a bit emotional lately.’
‘Of course you are and you’re entitled to be. Your body is still adjusting…’ Her voice drifts off into the usual spiel. I sit, looking at her lips move. After a few minutes she checks Shay still has all his body parts and asks a few questions about his routine. Then she hands him back to me. The warmth of the little bundle against my body brings me comfort.
Nurse Elaine removes a file from the leather briefcase at her feet.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t have your details with me the last time.’
She places the file on her lap and opens it. Don’t tell me she’s not finished. All I want is for her to leave so I can see what’s going on out the back. Why are the cops with Pat? She said she was happy with Shay’s progress. She can see I’m doing a great job. So, what now? Why doesn’t she leave?
‘The last time I was here, Laura, you voiced concern over the drugs you were given at the hospital.’
Nurse Elaine leans in closer to me.
‘You wanted to know if they could make you hallucinate.’
Sweet Jesus, and people say our health system isn’t efficient.
‘Oh, don’t worry about that, I didn’t know what I was talking about, I was just a bit…’
Bonkers. That’s what I was. I remember it now, trying to figure out if I could have imagined the card.
The nurse is still leaning forward, looking at me.
‘Tired, I was very tired.’
‘And do you still imagine things?’
Shifting on the seat, knowing now how crazy I must have sounded, I shake my head. ‘God, no.’
‘Okay.’ She lowers her head to glance through the file. I’m sorry I ever opened my mouth to her the first time she called.
‘Do you think, Laura, you could have a touch of postnatal depression?’
My eyes shift from Shay to the wall directly in front of me. I don’t blame her asking that question. On her first visit I told her I might be hallucinating and now, this time, I burst into tears before she even has a chance to sit down. How do I explain to her everything’s dandy when she’s not here?
‘No, I’m fine. Honestly. I’m feeling great, actually.’ I smile at her. But this woman doesn’t want to take no for an answer.
‘Are you certain, Laura? Because there are things…’
‘No. I’m sure, I’m fine, no depression or anything like that. In fact, I’ve never been happier.’