the ‘one meeting and I’ll be straight home’ has suddenly expanded into a day.
‘Well, ring if you need anything.’ Kissing me on the lips, Conor walks to the door. He turns back for one last glimpse at his precious baby.
‘I’ll keep in touch… Bye, Shay.’
I press my shaking hands down on the top of the dressing table and take deep breaths. In the mirror I can see Shay moving his legs, in out, in out. His lips are pouting, fingers moving. I should be swooning over him, playing with him, encouraging his every movement, but my body is frozen to the spot.
Conor was able to walk in here and act like nothing happened, like Fintan had never been here, had never given him the bad news that made him shout in anger. My body feels empty inside, the life vacuumed out of it. I should have known this was all too good to be true.
Chapter Twenty-Five
The day has been endless. Instead of enjoying every minute I had on my own with Shay, I worried. I thought I’d be excited about welcoming my husband home from his first day back in work. But I have spent most of the day crying, coming up with some outlandish scenarios as to what is going on.
Changing Shay’s nappy was a chore, feeding him an even bigger one. I have to get it together. Conor will be home soon and I don’t want him to realise I suspect something.
I asked him what Fintan wanted and he lied. Maybe he’s trying to protect me. He knows I’ve been up and down since having the baby. It’s possible he’ll tell me all in his own time when he sorts things out.
I thought about ringing Amanda and telling her what happened but I changed my mind. Amanda would probably tell me to take Shay and run. She wouldn’t understand: I love Conor. I know he didn’t kill Vicky because he was with me the whole night. And more importantly, I know he didn’t do it because he doesn’t seem to have a bad bone in his body. I’d have noticed if he was a bit of a psycho. Wouldn’t I? I hope I haven’t made a big mistake… again.
The key turning in the door makes me jump with fear instead of happiness, reminding me that I know nothing. I fake a smile and wait for my husband to walk through the door. Shay is bouncing on my knee, fed and changed. He looks as happy as every baby should, his little pink cheeks glowing below his inquisitive eyes as he stares into the space in front of him. I wonder what he sees, what he thinks. He hasn’t noticed his daddy enter the room, but I have.
The jacket of Conor’s suit sways open, his tie is loosened. Dropping his briefcase onto the countertop, he says, ‘Well, how was Shay?’
‘Great,’ I say, keeping my eyes on the baby.
‘And you?’ he says, walking over and kissing me on the head before going to the fridge.
‘Grand, no one called, quiet day… I made dinner.’
‘Lovely, I’m starving. Is it ready? Or have I time for a shower?’ Conor walks back over to me and takes Shay in his arms. ‘God, I wish I could stay here with you all day,’ he says.
‘How did it go?’
‘Work? Same as usual.’
‘So the place didn’t collapse in your absence.’ I smile, trying my best to act normal while moving past him on my way to the pot on the stove. The only thing I could bring myself to cook was a stew, just throwing it all in the pot and letting it be.
‘No, it didn’t,’ he says, his eyes fixed on his son. ‘Maybe I will be able to spend more time with you, little man.’
If you’re not in jail, I’m thinking. ‘Go have a shower, I’ll heat the stew.’
‘Stew, great.’
Conor puts Shay down and leaves the room. How can he be so cool after what happened this morning? Maybe I read it all wrong. Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounded – after all, I did miss the beginning of the conversation.
There’s no point kidding myself. I know what I heard. Conor is putting up a front. Something has happened, but how do I find out without admitting to him that I was listening in? And why is he so good at pretending? Has he done a lot of it?
‘Maybe you should just live with him for a while first,’ my colleague, Rose, had