‘Oh, good Lord, no. He lives in Cornwall! How do you think I’ve had time to meet him? And talking to him is one thing, but it would have been wrong to actually meet him, wouldn’t it?’
‘I suppose so. I can come with you if you like, when you meet him?’
She laughs and pats my hand. ‘I’ll be fine. Have I ever offered to come on a date with you?’
‘Well, no, but …’
‘Exactly.’
Noah has. It was nice having Noah around. I felt safe, secure. Happy. Maybe Mum needs a Noah.
‘All those years I chased your dad round the globe I was always on my own, darling. I’m used to it.’
‘Oh.’ I hadn’t ever really thought about what her life had involved. ‘It must have been lonely.’ Dad really is a shit.
‘It has been, but it’s made me remember how independent I used to be. Look Rosie, when life comes relatively easy, and I have to admit it has with me, the downs and failures hit you harder. Admitting to myself that something was wrong, that I’d failed at something has taken a long time to come to terms with. That’s why I’ve waited until now. I wasn’t waiting, I just hadn’t been prepared to give up. And I did love him.’ She stares at her hands.
‘He loved you too, Mum.’
‘I know. We were good together, when we were together.’ She pulls a wry smile. ‘I always got what I wanted I suppose; things went my way when I was younger. But I realised a while ago that I can’t change the way he is and how he treats me, but I can change the way I respond to it.’ She glances my way and raises a cheeky eyebrow. ‘I read that on the internet, one of these self-affirming wotsits.’
I grin back.
‘I let him do it to me, to us, Rosie. It was, is, my life and I gave him permission to hurt me. That’s the one thing I really hope you understand. People only do what you let them do.’
I nod. ‘Is this why I’m so rubbish at dating, Mum? All this, Dad and everything.’
‘Probably, darling.’ She hugs me. ‘But when you’re ready you’ll let somebody else in, and as long as you own who you are, then you’ll be fine. They can’t hurt you.’
All I can do is nod, feeling sad. Have I done the wrong thing with Noah, is that what Mum is telling me?
Well if I have, it’s too late now.
‘Right, let’s go and shake, shake, shake our booty!’
We do. And I feel slightly cheered up, but not much if I’m honest.
Has Mum just delivered the final lesson that Noah couldn’t? That I’ll be fine, whoever I’m with, whatever I’m doing, as long as I stick to my guns and live the life I want to.
I’m not her; any man I meet who flirts isn’t necessarily like Dad. But even if he is, I’m strong enough to know when to say no. To walk away.
To own my life.
Chapter 25
I have not heard from Noah for days. Three weeks, two days, and fourteen hours to be more precise. Not that I’m counting, or have it marked off on the calendar on my phone. Or seared into my brain.
Not that I expected him to get in touch. I just hoped. I just thought maybe there was a remote possibility that because he took his duties so seriously, he might insist I finished the course and send some worksheets, or at least get in touch to tell me I’d failed.
Okay. I’m crazy.
‘I am never going to suggest you write review comments about romance books again. This is just like when you did that bloody window display for Valentine’s Day!’ Bea rips up the little card I’d put in front of a pile of books and drops it in the bin with a flourish.
‘It’s not that bad.’ I say sulkily, straightening a pile of books.
‘“Not quite as unrealistic as a lot in its genre and with a great unexpected killer twist”, is not going to entice romcom readers to part with their money, is it? “And if you like predictable and as sweet and sickly as a kilo of fudge then this could be for you.” Really, Rosie?’
‘That was a joke. I didn’t actually put that one on the shelf.’
‘What is the matter with you, girl? You need to get out, get a flaming date, for heaven’s sake, and stop moping!’