Fires of War (War and Deceit #4) - Erin O'Kane Page 0,33
life has changed so drastically and I actually have the possibility of a future, I want to know more about my past. I expected my memories to come back with time, or as I learned more, but there is just this…blank nothingness every time I try to look back. Even when I met my mother, the queen, there was a sense of familiarity, but that was it, and now she’s dead and I have to live with the regret that I didn’t get to say anything to her before she died. That I couldn’t save her.
Humming in thought, the chief nods his head slowly as he looks over at me. “It could be.” Everyone’s eyes follow his and land on me.
Feeling uncomfortable under their stares, I run my hands up and down my arms, feigning being cold in my sparring clothes, when really, I just need something to do with my nervous energy. It seems to work, because Tor removes his cloak and drapes it over my shoulders, my mantle still left in a pile on the floor of his tent. A slight tug in my chest has me looking up, and my gaze instantly slides over to Vaeril, who’s wearing the smallest of smiles. Busted. Since he’s been my mate the longest, he’s able to sort through my more subtle feelings, and he’s just seen right through my attempt at hiding my discomfort.
Pulling my eyes from the elf, I smile at Tor, draw the cloak tighter around myself, and look at the chief. “What do you know about the block?”
“Not much, I’m afraid.” He looks genuinely apologetic as he speaks, but my heart still drops in disappointment.
“One of my gifts is supposed to be spell breaking,” I comment in frustration, looking around the group for answers. “If it is magic that’s holding my memories, then why haven’t I been able to break the spell?” They’re all quiet for a moment, but I don’t ask them what I’m really thinking, the questions that are burning a hole inside me. What if I’m just broken? What if my memories are never coming back? Both Tor and Vaeril are staring at me, their gazes intense, so I know they must have heard me through our bond.
“Your gift is goddess given,” Tor begins, stepping closer, grazing my cheek gently with his fingers. “We don’t know when she blessed you with it. Your memories might have already been taken before you were gifted.” His reasoning makes sense, and I realise I’ve instinctively been leaning into his touch for comfort. Aware of everyone watching us, especially a scowling Eldrin, I take a small step away, trying to ignore the pang in my chest at Tor’s disappointed expression.
“There were signs you were special as a child,” Chief Arne shares, frowning as he thinks back, and I remember he must have known me as a youth. That strange discomfort passes over me again, like I should know more than I do, but I push it aside. “Unfortunately, we had no way to test anything like that. We only go off of what the gods and goddesses show us. Speak with Vida, she can explain our religion better, and she may have more answers.”
Nodding, I make a note to speak with the tribeswoman, but I just can’t shake something Tor said from my mind. Replaying the words again, I frown and turn back to him. “Tor, you said my memories might have been taken.” His expression is a neutral mask, but we’re bonded now, and he can’t hide from me anymore. “Do you think they might have wiped my memories completely?” I try to keep my voice steady, but the prospect of never regaining them hits me hard. “Is that why I can’t break the spell? Because there isn’t a spell left to break?”
Taking me by the shoulders, Tor scans my face, his mien serious. “It’s a possibility.” I’m grateful he doesn’t try to sugarcoat it or talk circles around the question, but the answer still hits me in the stomach like a physical blow. Blinking to clear my eyes of unshed tears, I nod. “But if this block is related to your abilities and your memories, you just managed to access your speed when you were fighting. Don’t give up yet, Clarissa.”
I know he’s right, I shouldn’t write it off yet, but I can’t shake the feeling that my memories are going to be much harder to access than my fae abilities. Straightening my shoulders, I smile